GREMLINS HAVE STRUCK-GF REPORT ADDENDUM

Due to invasion of Vikings and other body snatchers CTF PUBLICATIONS left off an important note in the GF MATCH REPORTS


CCRU GRAND FINAL PLAYER WAS OUR CAPTAIN PETER "STRECTH" STEELE"

IN HIS 14th STRAIGHT GF FOR THE CLUB

AN ABSOLUTE RECORD THAT MAY NEVER BE BROKEN


CHEERS BOYS

Grand Final Match Reports Saturday 14th September 2013 Vs The Blue Filth @ Woy Woy Oval

Disclaimer & Editorial Opinion


CFT Publications wishes to advise that due to impending defamation actions by certain members of the ABRFC community this report will not refer to the rumours about a certain Avoca half back and his success rate with his sisters’ friends. Nor will it speak about the growing media profile of Coach Boof Jenkins and his inerrant ability to find the NBN camera despite being surrounded by masses of people. Further the continuing media war between Julio Spagbowler’s mother and NBN television reached an impasse when in Sunday’s Sports report the NBN refereed to Julio Spagbowler not as “The Spaghetti Millionaire” nor as the new signing to the WWF “El Beasto” but in fact as “ the Avoca Beach half back !’ We must ask who the “f” is that?

Do you know more? Then send an email to gloriuschin@gmail.com


Second Grade Grand Final Match Report

This was a match for the ages. The Blue Filth had the shield up on the wall and the t-shirts were being printed when they led 29-18 with 7 minutes to go. But it is never over until the fat lady sings and she was still SILENT ! As the hooter sounded the Filth led 29-25 and their underprivileged and deprived supporters were singing , dancing and thinking of the victory that was undoubtably theirs. They could taste the winner’s piss already.

But boys the fat lady was still silent and from the scrum after the hooter Mitch Ward and the Duke cornered their half back and the Duke stole the ball. Could it be possible could the Sharks win this one ? Somewhere at the back of a Woy Woy nursing home the fat lady was warbling.

The ball went from the last ruck to Fuz , he cut the rampaging Conan and gave it to Faz who was hit by 2 desperate Blue Filth defenders but he managed an overhead pop pass to the Geeman who straightened and went in next to the post. The fat lady began singing to the tune of “Cheers Boys,cheers Boys etc”

In his 100th grade game Mick Arnold kicked the conversion to make it 32-29 and the Sharks 2nd grade premiers for 2013.

What was your best moment?

Was it seeing the delight on our players and supporters faces after a never say die effort like that or being next to the Blue Filth supporters where you could hear a pin drop?

In game where everyone gave their all special mention to Mitchy Ward who was outstanding and won the CCRU Medal for the GF player of the game. Pity Mitchy that that other Avoca half back knows so many people at NBN !



MATCH RESULT

AVOCA 32 BLUE FILTH 29

Scorers

Tries

1 X Conan,Faz, Geeman and Fuz

Conversions

1 x Mick Arnold
2x Mitch Ward

Penalties

2 x Dylan

CCRU 2nd GRADE PLAYER OF THE GRAND FINAL MITCH WARD


FIRST GRADE GRAND FINAL MATCH REPORT

After getting their jerseys presented from our former players who have gone onto higher honours (Thanks to Jesse Parahi and Mat Hodgson) they boys were pumped especially after what the 2nds had done to the Blue Filth.

In a tight first half some sold defence kept the Blue Filth at bay whilst a number of our attacking raids just fell short of the try line. One highlight was seeing the Filth's Uncle Fester try and re-arrange Oatie’s already picturesque Doris. He picked on the wrong man there !

But we were running into a stiff breeze so at half time a score of nil all did not faze our boys.

It was a rampaging run by Sherry that got us back into the enemy territory in the second half. From the last ruck Captain Stretch was able to storm through and plant the ball next to the post. More good lead up work saw a ball go wide to Ando and he made it over in the corner. Score now 15-3.

The Filth got back to our half and scored a try /conversion to make it 15-10 and Boof Jenkins heart rate rise alarmingly. But 2 run a ways by Speedy saw us unlucky not to add more tries and then another couple of big runs by Sherry saw a ruck near the Filth’s posts.

The Avoca half back ran wide dummied to Sherry inside (all the Filth defenders hit Sherry) and the Avoca Half back went in under the post without a hand laid on him . Speedy converted and it was 22-10 and game over.

As the hooter went the Filth so frustrated because they are the Filth tried to punch on but the experienced Conan and Maxie showed them all a couple of “one two and three” combinations that settled the issues.

The hooter saw 15 people injured in the stampede by Coach Boof Jenkins as he shoved his face into the NBN Camera. A true media whore!


MATCH RESULT

AVOCA 22 BLUE FILTH 10

Scorers

Tries

1 each to Ando, Stretch and the AVOCA BEACH HALF BACK

Conversions
2 x Speedy

Penalties

1 x Speedy

2nd Grade Match Report Vs Warnervale @ Woy Woy Oval Final Saturday 7th September 2013

THE RUGBY

It was a pretty hot day for rugby when the seconds ran out to try and join the 1sts in the Grand Final. All players were totally pumped to get out there and escape the cockroach infested dressing rooms. No need to talk about developing third world rugby the ARU should get up here and look at what we offer the rugby enthusiast.

Early tries to the Geeman and Little Arnie indicated that 2nds would go onto some bigger things as the game wore on. However a number of strange decisions and the heat kept Warnervale in the game.

At 12-5 the game was still there to be lost. Brookie scored a great try which would have put the result beyond doubt but others saw it differently and the try was disallowed. Being a Kiwi in Australia is a tough gig eh bro ?

The score stayed at 12-5 for most of the second half despite many unsuccessful attacking raids by the Sharks but as it got hotter the crowd got very enthusiastic closer to the final bell.

One Warnervale reserve obviously dissatisfied with the warm can of bourbon he had been given ran onto the field to show Jeff Andrew his displeasure. Strange that the only way he could do it was to throw the can in Jeff’s face whilst demanding a refund. Calmer heads prevailed and Jeff decided he would take the yellow and get off early. The enthusiastic reserve received a red and his demands for a refund were politely refused by officials. The irate ex-player (well he will be if the CCRU Judiciary are fair dinkum) was last seen being removed from the ground.

Mitch Ward was outstanding on the day and made many impressive runs. The tight five toiled hard all day in very trying conditions.

In all a tough grinding gutsy effort from seconds that sees them into the Grand Final where they will joining 1sts in our perennial quest to belt the Blue Filth in any game we can.


MATCH RESULT

AVOCA 12 WARNERVALE 5

Tries 1 x Geeman and 1 x Mick Arnold

Con 1 x Dylan

Don’t forget Grand Final Breakfast for all players/coaches/managers etc from 8am in the Clubhouse Saturday 14th September 2013


SILLY SUNDAY

CTF Publications is pleased to advise that as part of their “Be a Wowser for a Day” Campaign CTF Publications will be providing water , lollies , cups of tea and bibles for all Silly Sunday participants who embrace the true values of prayer , abstinence , chastity and tolerance.

There will be a tent under the big tree to the north of the club house manned by CTF Volunteers and distinguished by the sounds of chantings and readings by Buddhist Monks and piles of bibles. The volunteers will be wearing distinctive t-shirts emblazoned with those famous words of their beloved Chairman Chin Tu Fat

“No Chin Tu Fat”

For all others who wish to take the well-trod path of drunken debauchery, intolerance of Kiwis and other lesser mortals including ex Randwick players, not remembering where you live or even your name the theme is VIKINGS.

Club Captain Julio Spagbowler in his last official act before joining the Mexican WWF will be for this day only be known as
“Julio the Debauched” and must be addressed as such.

The fun starts when you get there!

CTF Publications has the exclusive contract for the supply of Viking attire and assorted Viking paraphernalia to ABRFC. Blonde Buxom wenches are extra (See our sub contractor Julio the Debauched for pricing and availability ). To order send an email to us at gloriuschin@gmail.com with your helmet size, preferred weapon, shield preference and waist/leg measurement. UGGH boots are also available for the discerning Viking

CHEERS BOYS

1st Grade Match Report Major Semi vs Gosford at Woy Woy 31st August 2013

BREAKING NEWS
CTF Publications are pleased to announce that due to the funds raised by “the bucket brigade” last Saturday at Woy Woy Oval ($ 16.25 ) our esteemed publisher Chin Tu Fat and his drunken cone sniffing editor in chief Winston Harrison-Jones have been released from debtor’s prison in Outer Mongolia and are back in business. It has been a nightmarish 10 days for our people with them being subjected to constant torture including water boarding and being made to listen to Coach Boof Jenkins’ 2013 NBN Interviews 24/7. Our printing presses have been released from the government bond store and so “Its Publish or Perish”. Read on dear reader and fill your mind with the exhilarating tales of young men lost in the erotic wilds of Avoca Beach and rumoured attacks on ABRFC playing personnel by the dreaded digitally enhanced Mr Hoppa” And of course some match reporting thrown in !


MATCH REPORT

The dressing room build up was intense with Coach Boof Jenkins imploring the boys to put sparkle into their drinks preferably champagne (his new drink of choice). With Sherry out with a virus veteran Junior All Blick trialist H stepped up to start in the front row.

From the kick off our forwards took it up to Gosford with Stretch/Conan & Oatie providing the muscle needed in the tight stuff. The human javelin Sam Fortey once again played well above his weight and his scrum base partnership with Spaghetti millionaire and Mexican WWF aspirant Julio “El Beasto” Spagbowler is disrupting many an opposition’s set plays.

First half tries to Mitch, Fash and Jimmy and 2 conversions to Speedy saw us lead 19-6 at the break.

By then it looked a matter of by how much and with more help from certain officials we could have asked Gosford to follow on. Given the fee paying public had paid their money to enjoy the salubrious spectator facilities of Woy Woy Oval a contest was needed. Gosford did score 2 tries in the second half when our boys seemed to switch off for a bit, maybe frustrated with some decisions going against them.

However when Ando took an intercept on half way and ran 50 meters to score and then Jimmy burst through again to go over under the post it was all over for the Red Devils.

When H was replaced after a job well done the flying paramedic Jeff Andrew ran on to bolster our scrum. His effort was well rewarded late in the half when he showed a lot of speed to get over in the corner to make it 38-18 and off to the GF we go.

A cameo appearance by Pistol Pete saw the officials take an exception to his tackle and he was asked to sit down for 10 minutes. But not before some participants in a ruck caused Red Devil confusion when someone got mistaken for Mr Hopa…….do you know more?? then email us at gloriuschin@gmail.com.

The 2012 GF centre combination of Geeman & Sharapova once again stopped many a Gosford attack with their hard hitting defence. They also both ran the ball strongly were a constant menace to Gosford all day.

In all a great effort to get into our 12rh straight first grade GF….can anyone beat that ?? If you know more email us at gloriuschin@gmail.com .

Media darling Coach Boof Jenkins went immediately to the NBN camera man as soon as the full time siren sounded to give his succinct media bite for the 6pm Saturday night news. He has such a face for radio that man.

See you all next weekend at Woy Woy when 2nd grade go for their GF spot

Final Score

AVOCA 38 GOSFORD 18

Scorers

Tries Jimmy x 2 , then 1 by Fash, Mitch G, Ando and the flying Jeff Andrew

Conversions 4 x Speedy

Match Report Saturday 17th August 2013 Vs Kariong @ Kariong

Second Grade Match Report

Needing to win by a large margin 2nds were forced to make changes due to injuries/people getting lost on the way to the ground etc right up until kick off. With Coach Parker still recovering from his mid-week operation Paul Kendall took over the coaching duties. His pre-game use of the white board to illustrate his now legendary tap move “The Wall” was an eye opening innovation given some of the players were not yet born when PK first tried it under match conditions. No doubt its complexity led to the slow start by seconds in their bid for a high score and perhaps a major semi birth. The fact that PK always gets the ball in the Wall caused a lot of confusion as he was never on the field yet his pre- game white board illustrations did show him getting the ball.
English refugee and committed tree hugger Concs taped his ears up and locked the scrum. His speed off the back of rucks (which he never went in anyway) saw him get 2 tries. It was a game for records with Mitch Ward (sometime sidekick of try scoring superstar Julio Spagbowler) getting across the line for 2 meat pies. In his battle with the Mexican WWF superstar Mitchy is now only one try adrift of getting first splash at Spagbowler’s next spa and tacho night.

Controversy continued when for some 40 minutes after the final whistle and despite 2 independent recounts trainee intern manager Fred Spindler could not come up with 22 jerseys. With 22 jerseys given out and only 21 in the bag after the game a very terse President Sturgess was seen to be in deep conversation with an obviously distressed Spindler. In an extraordinary move for second grade Sturgess called a press conference to say “At the moment Fred has the full backing of the committee “ When asked from the floor to comment on the rumour that Spindler had been tasked to appear before the committee on Monday night an irate Sturgess replied “ No comment” and promptly stormed out of the press tent.

Do you know more ? Then email us at gloriuschin@gmail.com

Final Score

AVOCA 55 KARIONG 13

Best & Fairest
3 Gus Mitchell
2 Josh Blackwell
1 Concs

Players’ player was Josh Blackwell

FIRST GRADE MATCH REPORT

With our semi-final position all set and the minor premiership ours for 2013 this game had no real bearing on the season. However some changes were need to be made with Maxie, Tommo, Mitch G and Jimmy all unavailable.

Speedy moved to full back and Pistol came in on the wing with Ando on the other wing. Dan & the Geeman paired up again in the centres with that blast from the past Justin Staben coming in at 5/8 for China bound Mitch Graham. The rampaging human javelin Sam Fortey was once again on the side and John Patterson from the U19’s got his first run on at 6.

In the tight 5 Josh kept the median age down whilst Oatie filled in at 8 with the Mexican WFF bound Spagbowler at the scrum base

Kariong like always were out to spoil however with a lot of changes we were never at our best. Despite that we got over for 5 tries with Speedy contributing a total of 16 points to well and truly shut the door on the despairing Dylan’s attempt to become the club’s highest point scorer for 2013.

Sherry tried out his injured calf but after a number of runs Coach Boof Jenkins rested him in favour of young U19 prop Dan Ransom.

In the tight the correctly attired and on time Conan combined well with his old partner Stretch with Oatie providing his usual solid game. Young Paddo showed glimpses of his class with the rampaging human javelin Sam Fortey growing into the no 7 role.

Our lineouts continue to cause Boof headaches and no doubt will be the focus of much training over the next few weeks.

Josh Meadham was great around the paddock being well supported by Spagbowler looking to increase his season try total

Sharapova Dan had a mighty game in defence and was well supported by the Geeman when they spread the ball

The victory gives us the week off and now for Gosford in the major semi

FINAL SCORE

AVOCA 36 KARIONG 7

Scorers

Tries

1 each to Speedy , Geeman, Josh Meadham,Stretch and Ando

Conversions

4 x Speedy

Penalty Goals

1 x Speedy

Players Player

Dan Reihana


DISCLAIMER
This weekly match report is a publication of CTF Publications, part of the Green Jade Group of Companies. The matters referred to in this report are in part the mad ravings of a disgraced former Oxford Don as well as tip bits of rumour and innuendo gathered after dark in the normally placid seaside village of Avoca Beach. Currently and without further ado this edition will be the last for 2013 given that CTF Publications may well be in liquidation by this time next week. CTF Publications will neither confirm nor deny that its financial difficulties arose when the Mexican WWF signed try scoring sensation Julio Spagbowler thereby denying CTF of its income from its well planned and lucrative blackmailing of various members of the ABRFC.

CTF Publications stands behind its reputation as the last bastion of journalistic freedom and does not and will never refer to itself as “ a rag”.

If the rumours and innuendo published in these reports are not true then they should be!

Match Report Saturday 10th August 2013 Vs Gosford at Gosford Showground (aka The Cow Paddock )

RUGBY REPORT

2nd grade have asked for equal time in these weekly match reports. Given their management have trouble putting pen to paper CTF Publications this week put their hard hitting sports reporter Arse Tu Wide on the job and he reports as follows

Score Avoca 50 Gosford 0

8 Tries were scored one each to Dane Cougartamer/the Duke/Conan/Cuzi Bro Brookie/Mitch/Faz/Dan with the sumo tail/Tony Barber.
5 conversions with 2 by Cougartamer and Dylan whilst Tony Barber ( fresh from SALE OF THE CENTURY) kicked one.

Passionate Pav at 7 had an outstanding game whilst Cuzzi Bro Brookie seems to have found a new rugby life wearing the 8 jersey. Canberra refugee Mitch Ward continues to impress and showed his skills by playing at 10. Bad luck for Mitch even though he scored a try Spagbowler got 2 later in the day. The second row of the Duke of Wellington and Conan were possibly our most experienced locks this season in 2nds.

Management was again astounded( this reporter was shocked ! ) when Conan not only showed up well in time to warm up for seconds but attired himself in all the correct gear including a left & right boot, mouth guard and correct sponsors shorts / socks.
Unbelievable and something to tell your grandkids later in life.

Coach Parker very impressed with the win and obviously looking forward to the semis now. He also thanked those who backed up from 3rds and in particular Dan Ransom who came on and scored a try. Dan showed up for the under 19’s ( which was forfeited ) and ended up getting a run in all 3 grades on the day. It all comes to those who wait!

Best & Fairest
3 Passionate Pav
2 Mitch Ward
1 Brookie Morgan

Players Player
Brookie Morgan


FIRST GRADE MATCH REPORT

Coach Boof Jenkins fresh from his media comitments with NBN and Central Coast Express had in the last few days been buffeted by injuries and internet harassment from female supporters of Dinner Suit. He appeared a worried man when he arrived at the Cow Paddock and when he tucked into his 2nd pie with sauce we knew things were not good. Jimmy Latham had injured himself during the week, AJ was in a brace and with Dinner Suit unavailable due to a possibly season ending injury(see editor's note) Boof had problems sorting out his backs. Not only that but with Sherry unable to back up from the Blue Filth game due to injury the engine room was also in need of an over haul.

However assistant coach and former child prodigy Justin Staben put his hand up and made a comeback at 15 whilst the evergreen Geeman slotted straight back in next to his 2012 centre partner Dan the man.

It was tough going in the first half with some very very big hits from both sides in and around the ruck. At lemons it was 20-3 to us and some of the hits were starting to slow us down.

However after a half time rev from Boof and some magic water we went straight on the defensive for the best part of 20 minutes in the second half. An all in dancing lesson over the side line saw Mitch Mitchell given a red card to go to counselling on Wednesday. Strange but the referee saw nothing wrong with his dance partner from Gosford throwing punches nor with the 3rd man from Gosford trying to cut in that escalated the fracas. This decision saw Buncey come on for his cousin and meant that Ando had to sit down.

In the thick of things was Oatie who showed great strength in his defence and ball carries. The rampaging human javelin Sam Fortey was in everything and Spagbowler with 2 tries showed his class. Maxie scored a try but an ankle injury saw him replaced by Mitch Ward and with the Fuz still on the field we had 4 half backs wearing the blue, green and gold. Surely a club record !

Conan also made a cameo off the bench in the second half whilst the injury riddled Ric V (with many a look to the sideline) was not replaced until well into the 2nd half.

Constant flopping over the ball by Gosford (maybe because some of their forwards looked like refugees from a cake shop) saw us given a range of penalties and Speedy kicked 3 of them. Along with his 3 conversions Speedy has put a lot of daylight between him and Dylan in their battle for the top scorers mantle.

A hard hitting win which ensured us the minor premiership and the major semi on 7th September

Scores

Avoca 30 Gosford 3

Tries
2 to Spagbowler
1 to Maxie

Conversions
3 to Speedy

Penalties
3 to Speedy

BEST & FAIREST
3 The Rampaging Human Javelin Sam Fortey
2 Tim Maxwell
1 Mitch Graham/Spagbowler/Oatie

PLAYERS’ PLAYER
Oatie

Editor’s Note

This report is purely about rugby and intentionally does not and will not refer to trivial non rugby matters like Italian Spaghetti Superstar Julio Spagbowler and his current trials , tribulations and the fact that he was last seen being chased naked up Cape Three Points Road by a marauding band of masked but otherwise fully naked Cougars who were screaming out “El Beasto….pick me ” which apparently is the ring name he has chosen when he makes his debut for the Mexican WWF next month. Nor will this report refer in any shape or form to the rumours of harassment of the local NBN sports reporter by a woman claiming to be Spagbowler’s mother . Allegedly the woman has been demanding that all videos/still photos of Spagbowler be destroyed claiming that NBN have consistently refused to spell his name correctly. For the record and as per our lawyer’s directive and in conjunction with a similar order from NBN’s legal people we note that the correct spelling is “ Spagbowler” and not Spagolennie, Spaghetti, Shaggy Spaggy nor has anyone at any time ever heard of a person named “Julian”.

We are also pleased to report that Coach Boof Jenkins heaved a huge sigh of relief when the injury to Dinner Suit was revealed to be a possible season ending one. Boof will now sleep tight knowing that the constant harassment by one known as “KD” demanding the no 15 jersey each week for her husband Dinner Suit will stop. Apparently he was getting tired of not only the internet traffic, the constant text messages but also handing out blankets and warm drinks each evening to all the people standing outside his house holding placards saying “For 15 …Pick DS” and "Super Heroes Wear Dinner Suits"


Sharkbait and ABRFC match reports are registered publications of CTF Publications a subsidiary of the Hong Kong based conglomerate The Green Jade Group of Companies

The views expressed in any CTF publication are generally those of a disgraced Oxford Don actively encouraged by the deranged owner and sole shareholder of The Green Jade Group of Companies

Do you know more?
Send any info to gloriuschin@gmail.com
Your identity will be protected

Spagbowler Signs to Wrestle with Mexican WWF

In breaking news Italian Spaghetti Super Star Julio Spagbowler has signed with a Mexican Wrestling Troupe and will take on all comers in the Mexican WWF

CTF Publications have obtained exclusive photos of Spagbowler's uniform when he joins the Mexican WWF.

Apparently he will wrestle under the ring name of "El Beasto". See above

A WWF spokesman(bearing a remarkable likeness to Spagbowler's rumoured gang land lieutenant Dane Cougartamer)confirmed "El Beasto" will be the headline act for a series of WWF wrestling matches to be announced on the Coast. In a unique take on this popular Mexican sport wrestlers from the WWF will compete in spa baths full of blue/green and gold jelly with seconds provided from a bevy of imported Mexican lap dancers

WWF Spokesman "Dane Cougartamer"



Do you know more ? Then send an email to gloriuschin@gmail.com with full details/photos and anything else you may have on this

ps don't forget to enclose a stamp self addressed envelope

1st Grade Match Report Vs The Blue Filth @ The Sharkpool Saturday 3rd August 2013

A great day. Fine and sunny and the Hill Packed. Barrie tuning up on the hill and the Under 19’s all dressed in their “onesies”.People 2-3 deep on both sides of the ground…bar sales going through the roof....... Sensational……..

Although we lost Under 19’s and 3rd grade another grinding effort from Seconds saw them power over the Filth to record a much needed victory

Great to see all the kids /second grade etc form the tunnel when 1st grade ran out. Surely a great inspiration to the boys for what was to be such a big game

From the kick off we knew it was going to be a tough one when from the first ruck The Filth no 7 knocked himself out and the game was stopped for some 5 minutes whilst the medical crews tended to him

After play re-started we made some busts and things were looking good when Jimmy backing up out wide went over near the posts and Speedy converted. The Filth kept at us and scored a run away try down the left wing which shook us up a bit.

Italian Spaghetti Superstar Julio Spagbowler re-acted like a Real Madrid striker and tried to re-arrange the back of the Blue Filth scorer’s head. Chaos ensured with a number of backs from both sides trading hand bags at 10 paces. Using an interpreter the referee asked Julio to go sit down for 10 minutes along with the violent femme from the Blue Filth.

Rampaging Sam Fortey (obviously a master stroke from Coach Boof Jenkins) was already out there and simply moved to half back

However we hung tough and towards half time Oatie scored near the posts and we led 14-10 at the break.

Friday night was the 2003 re-union dinner and one of the highlights was watching the video of our wins in 1st and 2nd grade. For the first time some of the younger players saw Paul Kendall’s (PK) famous tap move “The Wall” in action. In PK’s era “The Wall” when it was executed correctly the end result was PK got smashed. However when it went wrong PK still got smashed. Julio Spagbowler not only saw the video Friday night but obviously watched closely when PK’s re-enacted “The Wall” over the dinner table

The time was right then when 15 meters out Julio got his chance to put "The Wall” in action. Whilst first making sure Sam Fortey got smashed chanelling PK Julio the Sphagetti Superstar confused everyone to score the try under the posts. Speedy duly converted and we kicked out to a healthy lead.

However the Filth fought back and it was not until the final minutes when we pounced on a loose ball near the half way and Speedy won the race to score under the posts that the final result was decided. Again Speedy converted to make it 4 from 4 (Dylan please note)

Oatie was player’s player not only taking a very hard pass to score but also doing a tower of work in the tight. Dan and Sam along with AJ were the pick of the backs whilst Jimmy Latham was dangerous every time he got the ball .

A tough victory and I am sure that singing “Cheers Boys” with all the “onsies” from the hill under the Southern goal posts was a highlight

Next week it is Gosford away

Cheers Boys


Final score

AVOCA 28 BLUE FILTH 18

BEST & FAIREST
3 Dan Reihana & Sam Fortey
2 Adrian Jones
1 Jimmy Latham
Players Player Emile Thomas
Points
Tires…One each to Oatie,Julio Spagbowler , Speedy and Jimmy ( 4 tries= bonus point)
4 Conversions all by Speedy 100% record for the day (read that and weep Dylan)

SERIAL PESTS AND ANTICS FROM THE HILL AT THE SHARKPOOL
Serial Pest Robert Hurrell (aka Aussie Bob) made a dramatic effort to win the 2013 Pest of the Year Trophy with an absolutely outstanding effort. It takes a lot for someone to get tossed off the hill at the Sharkpool especially when we play the Blue Filth. But tossed off he was with the Hill Patriarch Barrie banishing Aussie Bob to the eastern sideline. He then went across to the Eastern side where photos show Aussie drinking it up in the 2003 premiership tent. Whilst he did get on the field during the 2nd grade grand final victory that year controversial video evidence does reveal that his entry to the playing field was as a water runner rather than a player. Given that the 2003 coach Jacko could not remember him you would have to conclude that Aussie Bob has been exposed. Aussie continued after the game in the clubhouse when during Deborah O’Neill’s election speech Aussie became quite vocal claiming he had evidence that he was Tony the monk’s love child. With perennial Pest of the Year runner up Sam Fortey seemingly accepting the fact that after turning 30 you have to grow up Aussie may well have this year's award already wrapped up (subject to a check with the Treasurer as to his fee paying status)

The 2003 re-union tent saw former notorious members of the Hillside Road Gang , Coxie and Fez spend quite some time regaling all and sundry about how good they were in “our day”. They were pleased to hear that now they have retired there is a new gang running the streets of Avoca Beach. This gang rumoured to be led by Italian Spaghetti Millionaire Julio Spagbowler can be seen late at night wearing their distinctive Mexican sombreros and carrying posters displaying naked lap dancers. Spagbowler declined to comment on these potentially shocking allegations ( other than to cry out in despair “ leave me alone” ) however we have identified some other gang members including the Cougar taming Smithy ( a pseudonym alleged to be used by a bloke called Dane) and Spa expert known as "Passionate Pav"

Do you know more ? Then send an email with full details to gloriuschin@gmail.com . Don’t forget to include a self-addressed and stamped envelope. Gang members who want to out themselves will be granted limited anonymity

1ST Grade Match Report vs Ourimbah at Ourimbah Saturday 20th July 2013

DISCLAIMER

Alleged reformed serial pest Robert Hurrell has been harassing the staff at CTF Publications demanding inclusion in the match report. For what we don’t know but his demands have all started with the statement “as a former Sharks Super Star etc etc “. A search of the club’s records has never found any such reference to even the word “star” when using either of Aussie Bob’s non de plumes. CTP Publications wishes to make it clear that Robert Hurrell (a.k.a Aussie Bob ) will never be mentioned in match reports (except this week’s disclaimer) nor will any other false prophets extolling their own rugby renaissance be mentioned

LATE BREAKING NEWS and FURTHER DISCLAIMER

CTF Publications has received many & varied reports in regard to claims that a member of the Avoca Sharks spent Saturday night cavorting with a group of Mexican lap dancers. It is not company policy to publish anything that cannot be substantiated nor what is obviously simply rumour and innuendo made up by jealous second graders and overweight front rowers. In addition our lawyers Tort Tort & Moore Tort are currently before the NSW Supreme Court fighting a related injunction lodged by the Mexican and Italian Consulates. This injunction is an affront to the concept of a free press and hopefully the court will rule in our favour. If so then CTF Publications intends to come out fighting with a Black Label one-off publication of SHARKBAIT in time for the upcoming home game vs The Blue Filth.

Our lawyers have cleared the following statement as it is a fact and word for word repeats a 4am message left last Sunday morning on the answering machine in the offices of CTF Publications by an unidentified female caller

“Hello is that CTF Publications? I have just seen a certain rugby playing Italian Superstar running up Cape Three Points Rd clad only in a very small bath towel. Right behind him are 4 women who appear to be Mexican lap dancers wearing large sombreros screaming out “Spaggy Spaggy.....come back” … hang on a minute…message breaks … the caller shouts “ you girls put those hats back on this is a family suburb “….are you still there CTF ? They are also throwing bits of pizza and hamburger at him ! Should I call the police? “

As the caller did not leave their name a trace of the number showed it originated somewhere in the vicinity of Cape Three Points Rd Avoca Beach which infers it was genuine. We are investigating further

Do you know more ? Do you want to unburden your soul ? Send an email to gloriuschin@gmail.com.....your identity will be protected except if what you say is funny/slanderous or usable in an adult magazine


Match Report

All week we had been hearing rumours out of the Razorback camp that they were ready to knock us off and move forward to the semi-finals as a real threat to the competition. As the day turned out such aspirations seemed a bit over the top
Thinks hotted up when Thirds after a disastrous game vs Woy Woy, turned on a display of rugby we have been waiting all year to see giving Ourimbah a real bath all over the paddock. President Sturgess has advised that the club will comply with any and all directives required by various drug testing agencies


Seconds were also in for a hard tussle and despite being down most of the game they just kept grinding away with a real never say die attitude. Some of the younger guys stood up in what was a display of the type of football that is needed come semi-final time. In the end seconds got their noses in front and except for a brief moment right before full time Ourimbah never got back in the game. A great victory for second grade.

On a sad noted despite cutting short his USA holiday when he heard that Speedy had scored over 50 points vs Woy Woy, Dylan had a horror day with the boot. Jet lag and the bright lights of Las Vegas have been blamed.

First grade ran out after stirring speeches from both Stretch and Coach “Boof” Jenkins. Some of the players were somewhat befuddled when Boof during his pre-game rev up made dramatic reference to how women over 30 get really frisky causing any successful spermatozoa to produce a high percentage of twins. Questioned later Boof advised he was taking a holistic approach to his players this season as he wanted them not only to be better footballers but also be well equipped for life after football (or Saturday night whichever comes first). Next week’s pre game talk will include the use of match payments for negatively geared rental properties plus how regular brushing of the teeth will allow for more positive replies to tried and tested pickup lines in bars. Stay tuned.

The game was tight early until we ran in 2 converted tries to lead 14-0 at the break. One try was scored by a rampaging Sam Fortey channelling his father once again in the 7 jersey. Using his superior weight Sam took 5 players and a few spectators along for the ride over with him to plant the ball under the back dot. The other was added by Pistol Pete Mitchell finishing off a good break out wide. This too was planted under the black dot. A delighted Speedy converted both whilst Dylan could only watch from the sideline..

The second half saw Ourimbah try harder but they were going nowhere even taking taps trying to get tries which just saw them run into the brick wall that was our defence.
Mitch Graham took a great intercept to once again put the ball down under the black dot. Speedy added to his tally with another easy conversion from in front..

A kick through saw the Ourimbah full back fumble and the ball was toed again by Julio Spagbowler the Italian Spaghetti super star who seemed on track for a try before he was pulled down inside the penalty box. He immediately appealed for a penalty but the referee was focused on Speedy who kept his feet, grabbed the ball and once again planted it under the black dot. He also converted.

The try of the game was scored when we made a bust deep in our own half with the ball spread wide and a number of players involved.Julio Spagbowler got his try in the end by backing up this fine work to plant the ball under the posts. With Speedy’s conversion it was 5 tries all scored under the black dot …. Surely something for the record books.

The forwards were the foundation for this win with all of the tight five strong. Thommo had a great game ably assisted by the experienced Tim Maxwell & Oatie. The sartorial and correctly attired Conan came off the bench after a similar cameo during the second grade win. Dan the man was showing more grunt in the middle than a naked Sharapova with his hit ups and tackles causing chaos in the Ourimbah backline. Matt Anderson also was right there beside him and did good.

With a bye next week and then the Filth at home this was a good win to bolster our chances going into the final rounds


Final Score

AVOCA 35 OURIMBAH 0

Tries

One each to Julio, Sam, Speedy,Mitch and Pistol

Conversions

5 x Speedy

Best & Fairest
3 Tommo & Dan
2 Oatie/Maxie
1 All the backs

Players Player…Tommo

1st XV Match Report Vs Woy Woy Saturday 13th July 2013 at the SHARKPOOL

EDITOR’S NOTE and DISCLAIMER
The thoughts expressed in these weekly match reports are those of a certain failed Oxford Don who writes for a famous Oriental gentleman who just happens to own a publishing company as well as a string of bars where ladies in skimpy attire dance around poles to the music of AC/DC and ZeeZeeTop watched by numerous males sweating in their heavy plastic rain coats. This report is not sanctioned by the ABRFC Committee.It is tolerated as long as nothing derogatory is written about Terry Sturgess the current President. Although Coach “Boof” Jenkins has the full support of the ABRFC committee this week ...whatever is said about him in these pages is deemed to be the truth or at least a fair version of the truth. This week’s match report is a satire on what passed as a rugby game last Saturday. It in no way reflects on the small number of Woy Woy players who turned out in every grade to ensure the Sharks had a run. Their courage was admirable and they are to be applauded. Objections and hate mail can be sent to gloriuschin@gmail.com

If you include your name and address plus mobile number you can be assured of a number of things
1) Your mobile number will be made available to a select group of ABRFC pests which could mean that Oatie & Ricky Staben may call you on a Sunday morning at approx 2am and demand you give them a lift home from Joe's Garage in Gosford.
2) Your comments will be noted and forwarded to the appropriate authorities including the Australian Press Council , ABRFC and Terry Sturgess
3) You will appear in subsequent match reports

Cheers Boys

Winston Harrison-Jones B.A (Oxon-failed)




It was a sunny but slightly chilly day when preparations began for the match against Woy Woy. Overnight rain did not affected the pitch given the head groundsman had the covers on all night.
At the pre-match press conference the head groundsman inferred the wicket could take spin late in the day however as there was a lot of green on the wicket the fast bowlers could benefit early from a wicket that in the past has played like a Madras dust bowl. Both captains acted quickly and called for the heavy roller.

Captain Stretch marched to the wicket for the toss whilst Coach “Boof “Jenkins (dribbling tomato sauce, a legacy of his daring morning ram raid on Garlo’s pies at Erina ) was still tweaking his line-up.

With Stretch winning the toss and electing to bat Coach Boof in a major surprise bought in the rampaging Sam Fortey at 7. Boof said “Sam brings an extra dimension to the middle order, he can take apart an attack with his aggression plus his slow googlies have confused many opponents. This game cries out for an all-rounder and Sam will fill that position. Although his defence at times has been called “skinny” I am confident his aggression in attack will bolster our middle order which has been weakened by injury compounded by some players being unavailable"

Prior to this season Sam’s main claim to fame was being the 7 time runner up in the ABRFC pest of the year awards. However as an all-rounder he had yet to be tested. Mat Hall on the Coast for the 20/20 game earlier was also added to the team list to back up any rampage that Sam could cause in the middle order. Galloping Green Maxwell was a late withdrawal and with the Geeman still feeling his hamstring the Sharks took the field for the first time this year without any former Randwick players in the line-up and what a bonus that is !

Speedy opened the batting and with 3 sixes and 14 boundaries his innings of 43 off as many balls earned him the man of the match and a bat contract with Slazenger. With an average of over 50 for the day (Speedy warmed up with some boundaries in the earlier 20/20 fixture) he may well have passed Dylan (the Hammer) Hardacker in the race for the season’s all-time best batting average. Rumour has it that the Hammer is flying home early from his short stint in the IPL to ensure Speedie does not get too far in front.

The top order including veteran Ricky Staben and Mat (the bat) Anderson hit out with Mat’s short innings of 3 sixes wowing the crowd. Ricky in his benefit year also hit 3 sixes but had another certain boundary over ruled by the third umpire when video replays showed he had actually thrown the ball over the boundary rope rather than hit it in the required manner

Tommo was again everywhere in the field showing great skill in stopping Woy Woy runs after we declared at 0 for 113 and Woy Woy were sent in. Coach Boof Jenkins was most peeved however when after setting our rivals a target of 113 Woy Woy were able to get a late boundary and get on the scoreboard for 5. Looks like there will be a hell of a lot of fielding drills before next week’s fixture Vs Ourimbah.

It was a good romp out there for many of our players. Sherry showed his speed off the mark when he carried his bat and ran 50 meters to score. His swan dive over the boundary rope brought the crowd their feet. Rick Veitch after shedding his gloves and stepping out from behind the stumps went into the outfield on a number of occasions weaving , side stepping and eventually crashing his way to the boundary fence.

Spaghetti super star Julio Spagbowler only hit one boundary as he played more of a supporting role this week. Most probably had enough of the media spot light for the time being or perhaps he was pining after the departure of Miss France back to Mauritius?

Management were most impressed when 12th man Conan showed up with a complete kit including his own mouth guard, helmet, jock strap, and the correct club sponsored shorts and socks. Well done Katie Winter! Of course Conan did not bring his bat this week as we all know 12th men don’t get to bat or bowl.

A special mention to our recent recruit Dane Chambers who scored a whirlwind 5 over the fence tries in the early 20/20 fixture. This boy has speed to burn and could be an x factor in the run to the semis.

A highlight of the 20/20 fixture was the appearance in the back line of Dinner Suit and his 2 brothers in law Richo and Faz. This scribe did not see that unique event but rumours abound that Faz & Richo simply played “cut one “ every time Dinner Suit tried to get in between them and show off.

Final score

AVOCA 113 WOY WOY 5

BEST & FAIREST
3 Speedie
2 Tommo
1 A rampaging Sam Fortey

Players Player Mat Anderson

Points

17 tries…made up of
3 each to Speedie, Matt Anderson and Ricky Staben ( playing his benefit year )
2 each to Mitch Graham and Adrian Jones
1 each to Sherry/Rick Veitch/Julio Spagbowler/and the rampaging Sam Fortey

14 Conversions ( all by Speedie ……….with The Hammer away there was no way anyone else was getting a chance to kick a goal ).

Ed note : Many spectators pleaded with Coach “ Boof” Jenkins to give Oatie a go as they were looking for some laughs. However Coach "Boof" Jenkins made it quite clear that Oatie has been banned from kicking for the rest of the season

1st XV Match report vs The Entrance Rams Saturday 6th July 2013 at Bateau Bay

Score
Avoca Sharks 49 The Entrance Rams 0

Scorers

Tries
9 tries one each Sherry, Rick, Maxie , Julio, Mitch G, Geeman , Fuz , Dinner Suit and his brother in law Faz

Conversions
2 by AJ . All other attempts ( Oatie you are joking !) failed and have been classified as abysmal. Speedie …………… all is forgiven come home now !

Controversy surrounded the game even before kick off with Dinner Suit selected at full back yet upon arrival Sam Fortey was slotted into the 15 jersey and Dinner Suit moved out the wing. Despite a full on media and Facebook blitz Kellie Davies was unable to sway Coach Jenkins in his decision. However she had her revenge when due to Cameraman Reynolds unavailability Kellie took on his role and manned the video for the game. Apparently 80 minutes of Dinner Suit in every frame ( doing his hair, adjusting his socks, brushing dirt off his jersey , admiring his pecs etc ) was just too much for Coach Jenkins who was last seen in earnest discussion with President Sturg.

Spaghetti superstar Julio Spagbowler was also in the news this week when he tried to buy the club’s bar on Thursday night. Apparently he has great plans to turn it into a spaghetti & pasta venue. Head barman Wadey could not be swayed even by Spagbowler’s producing his silver piggy bank whilst offering 20c and 50c coins as deposit.

Oh yes let’s now talk football…The game got off to a pretty slow start with some weird refereeing decisions. Tries began to come after we finally got a few breaks from the overzealous man in the middle. Peter Steele had a great game and was ably supported by Josh Meadham. Great to see Conan back on the park and wearing 65% of the correct game day kit. He can only improve and make the manager’s job less stressful.Tommo in the unfamiliar role of 7 got through a lot of work and that Randwick bloke Maxie was right behind him. Everyone seemed to get their hands the ball with 9 tries being score. Our goal kicking was abysmal ( see above) however some attempts ( Oatie’s for example ) did liven up the crowd providing them with some comedy. We ended up converting 2 from 9 showing how much we missed Speedie’s talent.

Next week its Woy Woy at home

Best & Fairest
3 Peter Steele
2 Josh Meadham
1 Tim Maxwell/Shaun Thompson

Players Player Shaun Thompson

First Grade Match Report vs Warnervale Saturday 15th June 2013

Disclaimer
CTF Publications apologises for the late submission of the match report VS Warnervale as circumstances that saw our chief sports reporter Arse Tu Wide embedded with the HSBC British & Irish Lions somewhere in a Surry Hills hotel meant that our Italian journalist cadet Julio Spagbowler was asked to write the match report. It has taken this long to interpret his highly excitable Italian to the English language. CTF takes no responsibility for any character assassinations nor any volatile rumours that may arise from Spagbowler’s writings.

Warnervale had made it clear that they wanted to be a force in 2013 and with the addition of some former Kariong players they presented a formidable opponent at home.

However media guru and head coach made some changes bringing young Mitch Ward into the no 9 position with Spagbowler wearing the no 7 shirt. Mitch ( I am not a poodle) Graham made his return from injury and with the Geeman injured Mat Anderson ( my brother in law plays SOO) partnered Dan the Man in the middle.

The evergreen and highly excitable Dave Maryska joined a blast from the past in Brooklyn Morgan on the wings. Speedy went back to full back where he converted 2 of the 5 tries.

Josh Meadham was strong throughout the game whilst Tim Maxwell at times appeared Invincible partnering captain Stretch in the second row. Oatie was released from his kitchen cupboard ( refer previous match report..ed) to provide some grunt around the rucks. Tight head prop Rick Vietch also made it back after injury and provided the crowd with the highlight of the day making a 50 meter sidestepping/beating 15 players run to score his 5 pointer.

Conan came off the bench in his return from injury. Note he wore the correct shorts ,socks , had his mouth guard and made it to the ground before kick off.

Mitch Ward had a strong game at 9 and combined well with the Italian for his first run at the no 7 position. Overall with 5 tries to 4 and a bonus point it was a good effort to set us up for the second round.

Hard not to mention the 2nd grade win where they comprehensively defeated Warnervale who were undefeated running out winners 33 to 14. Unfortuneately Thirds went down but good to see the Colts also won.

Scores Avoca 29 Warnervale 25

Tries 1 each to Rick Veitch, Mitch Ward , Mitch Graham , Brooklyn Morgan and Josh Meadham
Conversions 2 x Mat Maloney

Best & Fairest
3 Tim Maxwell (Mr Invincible)
2 Dan Reihana
1 Mitch Ward

Players player Mitch Ward

First Grade Match Report Vs Kariong Saturday 1st June 2013

After last week’s narrow loss to Gosford Coach Jenkins was pulling out what is left of his hair seeking a solution to get the Sharks back on track. Injuries and unavailable players meant he had some changes to make.

Veteran Oatie was locked up in a kitchen cupboard for the weekend (apparently for past transgressions at certain Central Coast nightclubs) which saw Jenkins call in the Duke of Wellington to take over at 8.

Mitch Mitchell earned his first 1st grade jersey starting at tight head and with former galloping green Tim Maxwell back and starting at 7 Lloydy moved into the second row with Stretch . Josh Meadham went back to hooker whilst last week's injury to Mitch Graham saw AJ start at 10 with Speedy moving to full back and the evergreen referee pest Dave Maryska taking over a vacant wing spot. Matt Anderson started on the other wing with the grand final pairing of the Geeman and Dan back in the centres

Kariong despite being dusted in 2nds by 80 points,forfeiting 3rds and winning the Colts were up for the grand final re-match.

Their early try down our blindside had us chasing them for the rest of the match.

The Sharks hit back with their own well thought out blind side attack that saw the Geeman go over in the corner. Good work by J Spagbowler to get this one done down the right hand corner.The squeals of delight from the Italian/French cheer leaders were deafening.

In the second half Kariong hit back again with 2 solid tries and it was looking like a repeat of the week before as the momentum seemed to shift to them. Meantime it was becoming increasingly hard to understand some of the referee’s decisions. Let’s just agree many of them were “interesting” for both sides.

With time running out some sustained pressure saw AJ go over near the posts and then in the shadows of full time with darkness engulfing the ground he did it again. Speedy converted and with less than 2 minutes to go we led 25-19. Nervous moments for all spectators and especially the coaching staff as Kariong drove into our 25 from the re-start . They looked dangerous until a couple of penalties went our way and we were able to weather the storm.

Sharks win 25-19 !

AJ was strong at 5/8 and was well supported by the Geeman with Speedy contributing his normal bag of points ( this week 10 points –hope your brother can do that next Wednesday night (ed) !

Dan showed his versatility moving to no 8 when the duke’s horse broke down with Dylan coming on at 5/8 and AJ shifting to centre.

Tim Maxwell showed his experience whilst Sherry made numerous trade mark runs close to the ruck. Captain Stretch and Tommo did well in most lineouts whilst spaghetti super star J Spagbowler had another strong game especially in defence. At one stage Spagbowler used everything but his handbag to drop some of the Kariong forwards.

Next week it’s the general bye round and then we face Warnervale away in what will be a very hard contest

Scores Avoca 25 Kariong 19
Tries 2 x Adrian Jones , 1 x Dave Gee
Con 2 x Speedy
Pen 2 x Speedy

Best & Fairest
3 Adrian Jones
2 Pete Steele
1 Sherry & Tim Maxwell
Players’ player Adrian Jones

First Grade Match Report Vs Gosford @ The Sharkpool Saturday 25th May 2013

Well after the euphoria of beating the Filth at the Haven it was another big game with the Sharks hosting Gosford at the Sharkpool

With 2nds and 3rds winning easily and the Colts defeating Warnervale at Warnervale things were looking good for a clean sweep at home.

Constant internet harrassment of the selection panel by Kellie Davies saw husband Josh restored to the top grade wearing no 14.

As we said last week dinner suit...fight your own battles !

An early penalty to Speedy saw us lead 3-0 well into the first half.

However injuries to new signing Aaron Bolte and 5/8 Mitch Graham saw our attacking raids disrupted with both replaced early. Aaron was last seen being helped to his car by JT both pursued by Aaron's somewhat pissed off wife !

Dropped balls saw a number of tries go begging along with one or 2 strange refereeing decisions causing us to lose our way somewhat.

Just before half time some slack defence saw Gosford cross under the posts and make it 10-3. A late penalty by Speedy as the half time hooter sounded saw us go to lemons at 10-6 down.

Then from the kick off a dropped ball saw Gosford go blind and score suddenly its 17-6. They did it again and again and after 10 minutes we were down 29-6 ! A bridge too far perhaps ?

More injuries saw Josh Meadham come off , replaced by 7 times runner up for pest of the year Sam Fortey. With the ageing Justin Staben also called on to direct play the Sharks started a late comeback.

Consistent little froggie and IPL superstar Julian Spagbowler kept up his good form with a try near the post duly converted by Speedie and then Speedie showed why he is called that by burning the Gosford outside backs to run in and score under the posts.

His conversion saw us back to 29-20 with 5 minutes to go. The Fuz succumbed to cramp and was replaced by veteran Brooklan Morgan sporting his new MR T haircut.

With our new prop Rick suffering a suspected broken wrist and a host of others getting injured a total of 8 players were replaced during the game.The call even went out to "Get Wadey Ready" but alas we had also run out of 4xxxx jerseys ( in fact we never had one in the kit but the call did make him feel good ! )

But the boys kept going at Gosford with Brooklan Morgan crossing under the posts in the shadow of full time. Speedie’s conversion saw the final score 29-27 and left us thinking what might have been !

Oatie was a tower of strength and the Geeman was solid in the middle. Speedie scored 17 of our points with a try , 3 conversions and 2 penalty goals.

Next week it is Kariong at home…another hard encounter that will require 100 % commitment both at training and on the day

So get to training and dont leave it to your mates


Cheers Boys

Scores
Tries 1x J.Spagbowler ,1x Brookie , 1 x Speedie

Conversions 3 x Speedie

Penalties 2 x Speedie

Best & Fairest
3 Oatie
2 Geeman
1 Brubby

Players Player Julian Spagbowler

First Grade Match Report Vs The Blue Filth @ The Haven Saturday 18th May 2013

Score Avoca Sharks 20 Blue Filth 6

What a day…the sun was shining the crowd on the hill was growing and yet the Under 19's, 3rds and 2nds had all been put to the sword by the Blue Filth.

With the Trojan supporters baying for blood our boys were lead out by Sherry who was playing his 100th first grade game. In the dressing room Sherry pledged not to take a backward step and was fired up to put the Blue Filth away.

Media slut Stewart Jenkins in his pre-game speech dug deep into the archives and with a mixture of the Gettysburg address sprinkled with the last words of the men from Sparta one could tell our boys were focused.

We were missing captain Stretch and with Conan still ruled out due to a wardrobe malfunction Galloping Green new boy Tim Maxwell had his first run on start for the Sharks.

The earlier exchanges were brutal with the Filth’s Uncle Fester impersonator at no 8 taking an early dislike to Doris. The Geeman set him straight with some withering comments including “ your double chin wobbles when you get angry”.

An early Speedy penalty saw us 3-0 deep into the first half and then it happened…a movement started way back in our half and after some great work from Speedy and many others in support the last being Josh Meadham who went in under the Trojan posts for what would have to be the try of the year (so far) was scored under the Trojans posts. Speedy converted and we went into half time leading 10-0. Amazing how quite the people in blue became after we scored that try !

The second half saw a number of breakaways and resolute defence before AJ toed the ball , recovered and set sail for the line only to be run down just near the white line. The Sharks in support showed much composure to take the next ruck and with the ball spread wide Cheers Boys was ringing out on BARRIES HILL as the Geeman dived over for the 5 pointer. Speedy missed the conversion and it was back to some more defence before Speedy kicked through and recovered to score a fine individual 5 pointer !

The final score as 20 – 6 with the Filth landing 2 penalty goals but unable to penetrate our defence.

A great result with a fine ending when the team were able to stand on a Trojan’s head and sing “Cheers Boys”.

Brub had another great game and was a stand out winner of the players player award. Evergreen Oatie was a tower of strength in the tight stuff finishing with a cut and nursing a very battered Doris. Due to the damage Doris was not allowed out to dance with Fuz on Saturday night.

New boy Tim Maxwell was impressive whilst Jimmy at inside centre caused some problems for the Trojan runners. A cameo from Tom Murphy saw the boys lift after Tommy’s big hit. Josh Meadham after being called on to fill in at 7 tried hard and then moved back into the hooking role late in the second half. A gusty effort along with Sherry , Smithy and Troy saw our scrum hold its own. Shane Lloyd took a heavy knock late in the game and hopefully he will be ok

Next week it Gosford at home a top of the table clash at the Sharkpool

Best & Fairest
3 Emile Thomas
2 Tim Maxwell
1 Julian Bacigalupo

Scorers
Tries 1 each to Josh , Speedy and Geeman
Conversions 1x Speedy
Penalties 1 x Speedy

Match Report First Grade Vs Ourimbah Saturday 11th May 2013 @ The Sharkpool

Score Avoca 16 Ourimbah 8

Scorers
Tries 1 x Brubby
Conversions 1 x Speedy
Penalty Goals 3 x Speedy


Best & Fairest
3 Mitch Graham
2 Julian Bacigalupo
1 Everyone in the forward 8… go you good things

Players Player Julian Bacigalupo

This was billed as a top of the table clash with Coach Jenkins claiming Ourimbah were the bench mark for 2013. Although Ourimbah had been beaten by Gosford Jenkins on weekly sports show talked up the Razorbacks as tough opponents. Once again he was right and our job was made all that harder with late pull outs by Sherry & Jimmy due to illness and injury.

JD retained his position at full back despite many claiming his wife had put undue pressure on Jenkins to retain him. Fight your own battles JD !

Speedy went to outside centre with the evergreen and referee lover David Maryska coming onto the wing.

An early injury to starting prop Buncie Mitchell saw the resurrection of the late but great Hoani Rimene who came on to steady the scrum and provide many ball running opportunities in midfield. Despite taking on a major role in the Tod Wadey campaign H’s contribution to the game was well received. Immediately after the game H was seen in earnest discussions with backs coach and brother in law Fuz. Rumour has it they were discussing H’s development of the goose step and his desire to play second five !

Captain Stretch led from the front and despite being asked by the referee to go rest his tonsils for 10 minutes he was dominant in all plays. Oatie once again provided the go forward when the tough stuff needed to be done

All the talk was about how strong Mitch Graham was in repelling Ourimbah attackers.

He was seen smashing into tackles and running hard and straight up the middle. Rumour has it that as he went in for the first hit he was heard to shout “I am not a f&&&&ing poodle” !

Pat Jenkins was injured early which saw the introduction of ex Randwick player Tim Maxwell to the game.

Would be Gaulist Julian Baicalupo continued his fine form with a try whilst making himself a pest around the scrum base.

Some forwards found his constant whistling of the Marsellie somewhat distracting. But as Brubby confided to this scribe “ You need to try everything not only in football !”

In all the forwards toughened up bringing praise from all the Avoca supporters.

Speedy compiled a personal 11 points and showed his kicking game was back on song

A great win for the club !

Next week it is the filth at The Haven something we all look forward to

See you there

Team Management


Disclaimer from the Editor
This report is compiled from the personal diaries of a number of players as well as from spectator input given that our usual sports correspondent Arse Tu Wide was interstate over the weekend on secondment to the Tod Wadey < A Beacon of Light> Presidential Campaign.. Accordingly whatever is said about Brubby, Mitch or any of the other fairy breads is purely the words of either the general public , spectators or disgruntled referees. Children under 15 should read this report in the company of an adult

First Grade Match report vs Woy Woy @ Woy Woy Saturday 4th May 2013

Controversy clouded the day even before the kick off with Coach Jenkins drawing a line in the sand on Thursday when he dropped SUPER STAR Pretty Boy Jimmy Latham for not coming to training.

Despite desperate pleas from Jimmy’s mum Jenkins was adamant. No train No Play with no concessions for anyone.

A tearful Jimmy at Friday’s captain’s run declared that the reason he missed training was because he was rostered on at the Mann Street Soup Kitchen where he spent Thursday night serving minestrone soup to the needy.

Declaring Jenkins to be heartless and unforgiving Jimmy was heard to say that Jenkins was ”dead to me !”
Despite playing a starring role in the 2nd grade 95-0 demolition of Woy Woy Latham did not put the boots on for the first grade bench.

However a timely intervention by Chin Tu Fat’s Chinese facilitator and hostage negotiator saw Latham and Jenkins make up on the first grade bench prior to Latham being subbed into first grade.. Jenkins denies that part of the reconciliation consideration was to allow Jimmy to deliver minestrone soup to the outlying soup kitchens of the Gosford Shire.

The sight of 2 men kissing and hugging on the bench upset some of the supporters but for all the Kiwis in the club it apparently is a common occurrence now the laws have changed over the ditch.

And now to the game … the first half saw the Sharks struggle to execute but with the wind at their backs the tries came thick and fast straight from the kickoff in the second half.

Pistol Pete Mitchell latched onto some wide passes to score out wide a few times and Emile shattered his 100 % goal kicking average with a missed shocker from in front. David Riley was strong on the left wing until an untimely accident saw him shatter his arm. Due the nature of that accident the referee called time with the Sharks running out winners 61-3 with 11 tries being scored but only 3 conversions . Lets hope Dave is up and about real soon and back with the Sharks.
Best on field was Pat Jenkins who was every where with solid support from Oatie and Sherry.
3 Pat Jenkins
2 Emile Thomas
1 Luke Sheridan

Players player shared between Oatie & Sherry

Cheers Boys

Remember next week the big one against Ourimabh and then we get to bash the Blue Filth at their home ground

Oh Joy

Cheers Boys

TODD WADEY...A BEACON FOR THE FUTURE

Former wild child Todd Wadey has put his hand up at Avoca Beach Rugby Club to be bar manager for 2013 season


Following in the footsteps of the legendary Col (The Turtle) Guiliani Wadey has already received ticks of approval from many members


Over the years many bar manager shave claimed to be able to turn water into wine but in Todd's case the water has been shown the door and replaced by cold beers , pies and bubbly for the ladies


With the help of his security chief Kiwi bro "H" Thursday nights will never be the same again


Promising more sickies on the coast then a Lebanese picnic day Wadey's aim is to fill the club coffers from increased sales of cold beers and ensure all members rock out of the place when Casey tells him to come home


Stay tuned for the "Beer Appreciation Nights" and other innovative social events including lectures on "How to live on your own" and "Selling houses that your wife half owns"

Wadey is also running Sunday counselling sessions for all Parramatta NRL supporters in the club house at 6.30pm followed by beers bbq and a dart competition with dartboards showing the 2013 EELS Team photo

Wadey had stated that he is not interested in President's Terry Sturgess's job but if the members wanted him he would make the best President the club has ever seen.

Although not entered in the Presidential race for 2014 Wadey's people have come up with some hard hitting & relevant election slogans if the members do want him in 2014

"Todd Wadey ....Buy the beer for the beer"

"Todd Wadey...A Beacon for the Future"

"Todd Wadey...Hops and yeast are good for you"

"Todd Wadey..."Where the sun never sets"

Cheers Boys

Chin

FIRST GRADE MATCH REPORT VS THE ENTRANCE @ THE SHARK POOL SATURDAY 27th APRIL 2013

A sunny day , a good crowd and the boys were ready to rock at the Shark Pool With new bar manager Todd Wadey stoking up the crowd an afternoon of running rugby beckoned Debutant David Riley received his first 1st grade jersey ………..a great effort and well deserved for another local junior In the hustle and bustle of the change room prior to the match Dave forgot to introduce himself to his o/s centre Dave Gee. Dave Gee scored 4 tries and whilst Dave Riley got over the white stripe he may have scored more on debut except the GMAN man did not know who the guy outside him was calling for the ball. The tries came quickly after the kick off but we could have led by more at half time except AJ looked like he could not kick a cat missing a number of easy chances In the second half Club Captain Brub ( fresh from an overnight French lesson ) showed he had a shank better than Ian Baker-Finch when he tried to convert a try but only got to knock out a couple of spectators standing way over next to the club house Finally someone remembered that Dave Riley was a competent goal kicker is his junior days and the next 3 tries were converted by Dave However in a fine welcome to first grade Oatie as the senior player demanded the ball after the last try was scored and duly converted putting the ball straight over the black dot thereby keeping his 100 % conversion record intact. A bemused Dave Riley found out the hard way that experience and age does count With 10 to go Coach Jenkins decided to rest 3 of the stars with Brub , Jimmy and Lloydy being replaced by Chad, Mitch and JD. Coach Jenkins was adamant that no amount of Facebook pressure from Mrs Davies caused him to replace Jimmy with JD. At the after match press conference Jenko pointed out that JD’s defensive record made his decision easy…go look at the stats was his parting remark to the pesky journalist from Hong Kong Controversy almost stopped the game late into the second half as the replacements were made when the ecumenical referee David Hall found that of the 3 cards given to him one had an 8 on it. His logic told him that the Sharks had made 8 replacements. Similar logic in the laws is drummed into all referees at birth. However the professional management team sorted out is confusion pointing him back to the kick off area for play to resume. To ensure this does not happen again management is toying with the idea of name tags for all players imprinted with their ARU registration number and a happy stamp placed on their forehead prior to taking the field. Stay tuned to this rather innovative and potentially controversial development Best & Fairest 3 Josh Meadham….once again a very strong game at tight head , making some great runs with the ball and holding his own in the scrums 2 Sean Thompson 1 Adrian Jones/ Dave Gee Players player Dave Gee Final score Avoca Sharks 77 ( 13 tries , 6 conversions) beat The Entrance 0 Next week it’s Woy Woy at Woy Woy See you there ! The Management Team