1ST Grade Match Report vs Ourimbah at Ourimbah Saturday 20th July 2013

DISCLAIMER

Alleged reformed serial pest Robert Hurrell has been harassing the staff at CTF Publications demanding inclusion in the match report. For what we don’t know but his demands have all started with the statement “as a former Sharks Super Star etc etc “. A search of the club’s records has never found any such reference to even the word “star” when using either of Aussie Bob’s non de plumes. CTP Publications wishes to make it clear that Robert Hurrell (a.k.a Aussie Bob ) will never be mentioned in match reports (except this week’s disclaimer) nor will any other false prophets extolling their own rugby renaissance be mentioned

LATE BREAKING NEWS and FURTHER DISCLAIMER

CTF Publications has received many & varied reports in regard to claims that a member of the Avoca Sharks spent Saturday night cavorting with a group of Mexican lap dancers. It is not company policy to publish anything that cannot be substantiated nor what is obviously simply rumour and innuendo made up by jealous second graders and overweight front rowers. In addition our lawyers Tort Tort & Moore Tort are currently before the NSW Supreme Court fighting a related injunction lodged by the Mexican and Italian Consulates. This injunction is an affront to the concept of a free press and hopefully the court will rule in our favour. If so then CTF Publications intends to come out fighting with a Black Label one-off publication of SHARKBAIT in time for the upcoming home game vs The Blue Filth.

Our lawyers have cleared the following statement as it is a fact and word for word repeats a 4am message left last Sunday morning on the answering machine in the offices of CTF Publications by an unidentified female caller

“Hello is that CTF Publications? I have just seen a certain rugby playing Italian Superstar running up Cape Three Points Rd clad only in a very small bath towel. Right behind him are 4 women who appear to be Mexican lap dancers wearing large sombreros screaming out “Spaggy Spaggy.....come back” … hang on a minute…message breaks … the caller shouts “ you girls put those hats back on this is a family suburb “….are you still there CTF ? They are also throwing bits of pizza and hamburger at him ! Should I call the police? “

As the caller did not leave their name a trace of the number showed it originated somewhere in the vicinity of Cape Three Points Rd Avoca Beach which infers it was genuine. We are investigating further

Do you know more ? Do you want to unburden your soul ? Send an email to gloriuschin@gmail.com.....your identity will be protected except if what you say is funny/slanderous or usable in an adult magazine


Match Report

All week we had been hearing rumours out of the Razorback camp that they were ready to knock us off and move forward to the semi-finals as a real threat to the competition. As the day turned out such aspirations seemed a bit over the top
Thinks hotted up when Thirds after a disastrous game vs Woy Woy, turned on a display of rugby we have been waiting all year to see giving Ourimbah a real bath all over the paddock. President Sturgess has advised that the club will comply with any and all directives required by various drug testing agencies


Seconds were also in for a hard tussle and despite being down most of the game they just kept grinding away with a real never say die attitude. Some of the younger guys stood up in what was a display of the type of football that is needed come semi-final time. In the end seconds got their noses in front and except for a brief moment right before full time Ourimbah never got back in the game. A great victory for second grade.

On a sad noted despite cutting short his USA holiday when he heard that Speedy had scored over 50 points vs Woy Woy, Dylan had a horror day with the boot. Jet lag and the bright lights of Las Vegas have been blamed.

First grade ran out after stirring speeches from both Stretch and Coach “Boof” Jenkins. Some of the players were somewhat befuddled when Boof during his pre-game rev up made dramatic reference to how women over 30 get really frisky causing any successful spermatozoa to produce a high percentage of twins. Questioned later Boof advised he was taking a holistic approach to his players this season as he wanted them not only to be better footballers but also be well equipped for life after football (or Saturday night whichever comes first). Next week’s pre game talk will include the use of match payments for negatively geared rental properties plus how regular brushing of the teeth will allow for more positive replies to tried and tested pickup lines in bars. Stay tuned.

The game was tight early until we ran in 2 converted tries to lead 14-0 at the break. One try was scored by a rampaging Sam Fortey channelling his father once again in the 7 jersey. Using his superior weight Sam took 5 players and a few spectators along for the ride over with him to plant the ball under the back dot. The other was added by Pistol Pete Mitchell finishing off a good break out wide. This too was planted under the black dot. A delighted Speedy converted both whilst Dylan could only watch from the sideline..

The second half saw Ourimbah try harder but they were going nowhere even taking taps trying to get tries which just saw them run into the brick wall that was our defence.
Mitch Graham took a great intercept to once again put the ball down under the black dot. Speedy added to his tally with another easy conversion from in front..

A kick through saw the Ourimbah full back fumble and the ball was toed again by Julio Spagbowler the Italian Spaghetti super star who seemed on track for a try before he was pulled down inside the penalty box. He immediately appealed for a penalty but the referee was focused on Speedy who kept his feet, grabbed the ball and once again planted it under the black dot. He also converted.

The try of the game was scored when we made a bust deep in our own half with the ball spread wide and a number of players involved.Julio Spagbowler got his try in the end by backing up this fine work to plant the ball under the posts. With Speedy’s conversion it was 5 tries all scored under the black dot …. Surely something for the record books.

The forwards were the foundation for this win with all of the tight five strong. Thommo had a great game ably assisted by the experienced Tim Maxwell & Oatie. The sartorial and correctly attired Conan came off the bench after a similar cameo during the second grade win. Dan the man was showing more grunt in the middle than a naked Sharapova with his hit ups and tackles causing chaos in the Ourimbah backline. Matt Anderson also was right there beside him and did good.

With a bye next week and then the Filth at home this was a good win to bolster our chances going into the final rounds


Final Score

AVOCA 35 OURIMBAH 0

Tries

One each to Julio, Sam, Speedy,Mitch and Pistol

Conversions

5 x Speedy

Best & Fairest
3 Tommo & Dan
2 Oatie/Maxie
1 All the backs

Players Player…Tommo

1st XV Match Report Vs Woy Woy Saturday 13th July 2013 at the SHARKPOOL

EDITOR’S NOTE and DISCLAIMER
The thoughts expressed in these weekly match reports are those of a certain failed Oxford Don who writes for a famous Oriental gentleman who just happens to own a publishing company as well as a string of bars where ladies in skimpy attire dance around poles to the music of AC/DC and ZeeZeeTop watched by numerous males sweating in their heavy plastic rain coats. This report is not sanctioned by the ABRFC Committee.It is tolerated as long as nothing derogatory is written about Terry Sturgess the current President. Although Coach “Boof” Jenkins has the full support of the ABRFC committee this week ...whatever is said about him in these pages is deemed to be the truth or at least a fair version of the truth. This week’s match report is a satire on what passed as a rugby game last Saturday. It in no way reflects on the small number of Woy Woy players who turned out in every grade to ensure the Sharks had a run. Their courage was admirable and they are to be applauded. Objections and hate mail can be sent to gloriuschin@gmail.com

If you include your name and address plus mobile number you can be assured of a number of things
1) Your mobile number will be made available to a select group of ABRFC pests which could mean that Oatie & Ricky Staben may call you on a Sunday morning at approx 2am and demand you give them a lift home from Joe's Garage in Gosford.
2) Your comments will be noted and forwarded to the appropriate authorities including the Australian Press Council , ABRFC and Terry Sturgess
3) You will appear in subsequent match reports

Cheers Boys

Winston Harrison-Jones B.A (Oxon-failed)




It was a sunny but slightly chilly day when preparations began for the match against Woy Woy. Overnight rain did not affected the pitch given the head groundsman had the covers on all night.
At the pre-match press conference the head groundsman inferred the wicket could take spin late in the day however as there was a lot of green on the wicket the fast bowlers could benefit early from a wicket that in the past has played like a Madras dust bowl. Both captains acted quickly and called for the heavy roller.

Captain Stretch marched to the wicket for the toss whilst Coach “Boof “Jenkins (dribbling tomato sauce, a legacy of his daring morning ram raid on Garlo’s pies at Erina ) was still tweaking his line-up.

With Stretch winning the toss and electing to bat Coach Boof in a major surprise bought in the rampaging Sam Fortey at 7. Boof said “Sam brings an extra dimension to the middle order, he can take apart an attack with his aggression plus his slow googlies have confused many opponents. This game cries out for an all-rounder and Sam will fill that position. Although his defence at times has been called “skinny” I am confident his aggression in attack will bolster our middle order which has been weakened by injury compounded by some players being unavailable"

Prior to this season Sam’s main claim to fame was being the 7 time runner up in the ABRFC pest of the year awards. However as an all-rounder he had yet to be tested. Mat Hall on the Coast for the 20/20 game earlier was also added to the team list to back up any rampage that Sam could cause in the middle order. Galloping Green Maxwell was a late withdrawal and with the Geeman still feeling his hamstring the Sharks took the field for the first time this year without any former Randwick players in the line-up and what a bonus that is !

Speedy opened the batting and with 3 sixes and 14 boundaries his innings of 43 off as many balls earned him the man of the match and a bat contract with Slazenger. With an average of over 50 for the day (Speedy warmed up with some boundaries in the earlier 20/20 fixture) he may well have passed Dylan (the Hammer) Hardacker in the race for the season’s all-time best batting average. Rumour has it that the Hammer is flying home early from his short stint in the IPL to ensure Speedie does not get too far in front.

The top order including veteran Ricky Staben and Mat (the bat) Anderson hit out with Mat’s short innings of 3 sixes wowing the crowd. Ricky in his benefit year also hit 3 sixes but had another certain boundary over ruled by the third umpire when video replays showed he had actually thrown the ball over the boundary rope rather than hit it in the required manner

Tommo was again everywhere in the field showing great skill in stopping Woy Woy runs after we declared at 0 for 113 and Woy Woy were sent in. Coach Boof Jenkins was most peeved however when after setting our rivals a target of 113 Woy Woy were able to get a late boundary and get on the scoreboard for 5. Looks like there will be a hell of a lot of fielding drills before next week’s fixture Vs Ourimbah.

It was a good romp out there for many of our players. Sherry showed his speed off the mark when he carried his bat and ran 50 meters to score. His swan dive over the boundary rope brought the crowd their feet. Rick Veitch after shedding his gloves and stepping out from behind the stumps went into the outfield on a number of occasions weaving , side stepping and eventually crashing his way to the boundary fence.

Spaghetti super star Julio Spagbowler only hit one boundary as he played more of a supporting role this week. Most probably had enough of the media spot light for the time being or perhaps he was pining after the departure of Miss France back to Mauritius?

Management were most impressed when 12th man Conan showed up with a complete kit including his own mouth guard, helmet, jock strap, and the correct club sponsored shorts and socks. Well done Katie Winter! Of course Conan did not bring his bat this week as we all know 12th men don’t get to bat or bowl.

A special mention to our recent recruit Dane Chambers who scored a whirlwind 5 over the fence tries in the early 20/20 fixture. This boy has speed to burn and could be an x factor in the run to the semis.

A highlight of the 20/20 fixture was the appearance in the back line of Dinner Suit and his 2 brothers in law Richo and Faz. This scribe did not see that unique event but rumours abound that Faz & Richo simply played “cut one “ every time Dinner Suit tried to get in between them and show off.

Final score

AVOCA 113 WOY WOY 5

BEST & FAIREST
3 Speedie
2 Tommo
1 A rampaging Sam Fortey

Players Player Mat Anderson

Points

17 tries…made up of
3 each to Speedie, Matt Anderson and Ricky Staben ( playing his benefit year )
2 each to Mitch Graham and Adrian Jones
1 each to Sherry/Rick Veitch/Julio Spagbowler/and the rampaging Sam Fortey

14 Conversions ( all by Speedie ……….with The Hammer away there was no way anyone else was getting a chance to kick a goal ).

Ed note : Many spectators pleaded with Coach “ Boof” Jenkins to give Oatie a go as they were looking for some laughs. However Coach "Boof" Jenkins made it quite clear that Oatie has been banned from kicking for the rest of the season

1st XV Match report vs The Entrance Rams Saturday 6th July 2013 at Bateau Bay

Score
Avoca Sharks 49 The Entrance Rams 0

Scorers

Tries
9 tries one each Sherry, Rick, Maxie , Julio, Mitch G, Geeman , Fuz , Dinner Suit and his brother in law Faz

Conversions
2 by AJ . All other attempts ( Oatie you are joking !) failed and have been classified as abysmal. Speedie …………… all is forgiven come home now !

Controversy surrounded the game even before kick off with Dinner Suit selected at full back yet upon arrival Sam Fortey was slotted into the 15 jersey and Dinner Suit moved out the wing. Despite a full on media and Facebook blitz Kellie Davies was unable to sway Coach Jenkins in his decision. However she had her revenge when due to Cameraman Reynolds unavailability Kellie took on his role and manned the video for the game. Apparently 80 minutes of Dinner Suit in every frame ( doing his hair, adjusting his socks, brushing dirt off his jersey , admiring his pecs etc ) was just too much for Coach Jenkins who was last seen in earnest discussion with President Sturg.

Spaghetti superstar Julio Spagbowler was also in the news this week when he tried to buy the club’s bar on Thursday night. Apparently he has great plans to turn it into a spaghetti & pasta venue. Head barman Wadey could not be swayed even by Spagbowler’s producing his silver piggy bank whilst offering 20c and 50c coins as deposit.

Oh yes let’s now talk football…The game got off to a pretty slow start with some weird refereeing decisions. Tries began to come after we finally got a few breaks from the overzealous man in the middle. Peter Steele had a great game and was ably supported by Josh Meadham. Great to see Conan back on the park and wearing 65% of the correct game day kit. He can only improve and make the manager’s job less stressful.Tommo in the unfamiliar role of 7 got through a lot of work and that Randwick bloke Maxie was right behind him. Everyone seemed to get their hands the ball with 9 tries being score. Our goal kicking was abysmal ( see above) however some attempts ( Oatie’s for example ) did liven up the crowd providing them with some comedy. We ended up converting 2 from 9 showing how much we missed Speedie’s talent.

Next week its Woy Woy at home

Best & Fairest
3 Peter Steele
2 Josh Meadham
1 Tim Maxwell/Shaun Thompson

Players Player Shaun Thompson