GREMLINS HAVE STRUCK-GF REPORT ADDENDUM

Due to invasion of Vikings and other body snatchers CTF PUBLICATIONS left off an important note in the GF MATCH REPORTS


CCRU GRAND FINAL PLAYER WAS OUR CAPTAIN PETER "STRECTH" STEELE"

IN HIS 14th STRAIGHT GF FOR THE CLUB

AN ABSOLUTE RECORD THAT MAY NEVER BE BROKEN


CHEERS BOYS

Grand Final Match Reports Saturday 14th September 2013 Vs The Blue Filth @ Woy Woy Oval

Disclaimer & Editorial Opinion


CFT Publications wishes to advise that due to impending defamation actions by certain members of the ABRFC community this report will not refer to the rumours about a certain Avoca half back and his success rate with his sisters’ friends. Nor will it speak about the growing media profile of Coach Boof Jenkins and his inerrant ability to find the NBN camera despite being surrounded by masses of people. Further the continuing media war between Julio Spagbowler’s mother and NBN television reached an impasse when in Sunday’s Sports report the NBN refereed to Julio Spagbowler not as “The Spaghetti Millionaire” nor as the new signing to the WWF “El Beasto” but in fact as “ the Avoca Beach half back !’ We must ask who the “f” is that?

Do you know more? Then send an email to gloriuschin@gmail.com


Second Grade Grand Final Match Report

This was a match for the ages. The Blue Filth had the shield up on the wall and the t-shirts were being printed when they led 29-18 with 7 minutes to go. But it is never over until the fat lady sings and she was still SILENT ! As the hooter sounded the Filth led 29-25 and their underprivileged and deprived supporters were singing , dancing and thinking of the victory that was undoubtably theirs. They could taste the winner’s piss already.

But boys the fat lady was still silent and from the scrum after the hooter Mitch Ward and the Duke cornered their half back and the Duke stole the ball. Could it be possible could the Sharks win this one ? Somewhere at the back of a Woy Woy nursing home the fat lady was warbling.

The ball went from the last ruck to Fuz , he cut the rampaging Conan and gave it to Faz who was hit by 2 desperate Blue Filth defenders but he managed an overhead pop pass to the Geeman who straightened and went in next to the post. The fat lady began singing to the tune of “Cheers Boys,cheers Boys etc”

In his 100th grade game Mick Arnold kicked the conversion to make it 32-29 and the Sharks 2nd grade premiers for 2013.

What was your best moment?

Was it seeing the delight on our players and supporters faces after a never say die effort like that or being next to the Blue Filth supporters where you could hear a pin drop?

In game where everyone gave their all special mention to Mitchy Ward who was outstanding and won the CCRU Medal for the GF player of the game. Pity Mitchy that that other Avoca half back knows so many people at NBN !



MATCH RESULT

AVOCA 32 BLUE FILTH 29

Scorers

Tries

1 X Conan,Faz, Geeman and Fuz

Conversions

1 x Mick Arnold
2x Mitch Ward

Penalties

2 x Dylan

CCRU 2nd GRADE PLAYER OF THE GRAND FINAL MITCH WARD


FIRST GRADE GRAND FINAL MATCH REPORT

After getting their jerseys presented from our former players who have gone onto higher honours (Thanks to Jesse Parahi and Mat Hodgson) they boys were pumped especially after what the 2nds had done to the Blue Filth.

In a tight first half some sold defence kept the Blue Filth at bay whilst a number of our attacking raids just fell short of the try line. One highlight was seeing the Filth's Uncle Fester try and re-arrange Oatie’s already picturesque Doris. He picked on the wrong man there !

But we were running into a stiff breeze so at half time a score of nil all did not faze our boys.

It was a rampaging run by Sherry that got us back into the enemy territory in the second half. From the last ruck Captain Stretch was able to storm through and plant the ball next to the post. More good lead up work saw a ball go wide to Ando and he made it over in the corner. Score now 15-3.

The Filth got back to our half and scored a try /conversion to make it 15-10 and Boof Jenkins heart rate rise alarmingly. But 2 run a ways by Speedy saw us unlucky not to add more tries and then another couple of big runs by Sherry saw a ruck near the Filth’s posts.

The Avoca half back ran wide dummied to Sherry inside (all the Filth defenders hit Sherry) and the Avoca Half back went in under the post without a hand laid on him . Speedy converted and it was 22-10 and game over.

As the hooter went the Filth so frustrated because they are the Filth tried to punch on but the experienced Conan and Maxie showed them all a couple of “one two and three” combinations that settled the issues.

The hooter saw 15 people injured in the stampede by Coach Boof Jenkins as he shoved his face into the NBN Camera. A true media whore!


MATCH RESULT

AVOCA 22 BLUE FILTH 10

Scorers

Tries

1 each to Ando, Stretch and the AVOCA BEACH HALF BACK

Conversions
2 x Speedy

Penalties

1 x Speedy

2nd Grade Match Report Vs Warnervale @ Woy Woy Oval Final Saturday 7th September 2013

THE RUGBY

It was a pretty hot day for rugby when the seconds ran out to try and join the 1sts in the Grand Final. All players were totally pumped to get out there and escape the cockroach infested dressing rooms. No need to talk about developing third world rugby the ARU should get up here and look at what we offer the rugby enthusiast.

Early tries to the Geeman and Little Arnie indicated that 2nds would go onto some bigger things as the game wore on. However a number of strange decisions and the heat kept Warnervale in the game.

At 12-5 the game was still there to be lost. Brookie scored a great try which would have put the result beyond doubt but others saw it differently and the try was disallowed. Being a Kiwi in Australia is a tough gig eh bro ?

The score stayed at 12-5 for most of the second half despite many unsuccessful attacking raids by the Sharks but as it got hotter the crowd got very enthusiastic closer to the final bell.

One Warnervale reserve obviously dissatisfied with the warm can of bourbon he had been given ran onto the field to show Jeff Andrew his displeasure. Strange that the only way he could do it was to throw the can in Jeff’s face whilst demanding a refund. Calmer heads prevailed and Jeff decided he would take the yellow and get off early. The enthusiastic reserve received a red and his demands for a refund were politely refused by officials. The irate ex-player (well he will be if the CCRU Judiciary are fair dinkum) was last seen being removed from the ground.

Mitch Ward was outstanding on the day and made many impressive runs. The tight five toiled hard all day in very trying conditions.

In all a tough grinding gutsy effort from seconds that sees them into the Grand Final where they will joining 1sts in our perennial quest to belt the Blue Filth in any game we can.


MATCH RESULT

AVOCA 12 WARNERVALE 5

Tries 1 x Geeman and 1 x Mick Arnold

Con 1 x Dylan

Don’t forget Grand Final Breakfast for all players/coaches/managers etc from 8am in the Clubhouse Saturday 14th September 2013


SILLY SUNDAY

CTF Publications is pleased to advise that as part of their “Be a Wowser for a Day” Campaign CTF Publications will be providing water , lollies , cups of tea and bibles for all Silly Sunday participants who embrace the true values of prayer , abstinence , chastity and tolerance.

There will be a tent under the big tree to the north of the club house manned by CTF Volunteers and distinguished by the sounds of chantings and readings by Buddhist Monks and piles of bibles. The volunteers will be wearing distinctive t-shirts emblazoned with those famous words of their beloved Chairman Chin Tu Fat

“No Chin Tu Fat”

For all others who wish to take the well-trod path of drunken debauchery, intolerance of Kiwis and other lesser mortals including ex Randwick players, not remembering where you live or even your name the theme is VIKINGS.

Club Captain Julio Spagbowler in his last official act before joining the Mexican WWF will be for this day only be known as
“Julio the Debauched” and must be addressed as such.

The fun starts when you get there!

CTF Publications has the exclusive contract for the supply of Viking attire and assorted Viking paraphernalia to ABRFC. Blonde Buxom wenches are extra (See our sub contractor Julio the Debauched for pricing and availability ). To order send an email to us at gloriuschin@gmail.com with your helmet size, preferred weapon, shield preference and waist/leg measurement. UGGH boots are also available for the discerning Viking

CHEERS BOYS

1st Grade Match Report Major Semi vs Gosford at Woy Woy 31st August 2013

BREAKING NEWS
CTF Publications are pleased to announce that due to the funds raised by “the bucket brigade” last Saturday at Woy Woy Oval ($ 16.25 ) our esteemed publisher Chin Tu Fat and his drunken cone sniffing editor in chief Winston Harrison-Jones have been released from debtor’s prison in Outer Mongolia and are back in business. It has been a nightmarish 10 days for our people with them being subjected to constant torture including water boarding and being made to listen to Coach Boof Jenkins’ 2013 NBN Interviews 24/7. Our printing presses have been released from the government bond store and so “Its Publish or Perish”. Read on dear reader and fill your mind with the exhilarating tales of young men lost in the erotic wilds of Avoca Beach and rumoured attacks on ABRFC playing personnel by the dreaded digitally enhanced Mr Hoppa” And of course some match reporting thrown in !


MATCH REPORT

The dressing room build up was intense with Coach Boof Jenkins imploring the boys to put sparkle into their drinks preferably champagne (his new drink of choice). With Sherry out with a virus veteran Junior All Blick trialist H stepped up to start in the front row.

From the kick off our forwards took it up to Gosford with Stretch/Conan & Oatie providing the muscle needed in the tight stuff. The human javelin Sam Fortey once again played well above his weight and his scrum base partnership with Spaghetti millionaire and Mexican WWF aspirant Julio “El Beasto” Spagbowler is disrupting many an opposition’s set plays.

First half tries to Mitch, Fash and Jimmy and 2 conversions to Speedy saw us lead 19-6 at the break.

By then it looked a matter of by how much and with more help from certain officials we could have asked Gosford to follow on. Given the fee paying public had paid their money to enjoy the salubrious spectator facilities of Woy Woy Oval a contest was needed. Gosford did score 2 tries in the second half when our boys seemed to switch off for a bit, maybe frustrated with some decisions going against them.

However when Ando took an intercept on half way and ran 50 meters to score and then Jimmy burst through again to go over under the post it was all over for the Red Devils.

When H was replaced after a job well done the flying paramedic Jeff Andrew ran on to bolster our scrum. His effort was well rewarded late in the half when he showed a lot of speed to get over in the corner to make it 38-18 and off to the GF we go.

A cameo appearance by Pistol Pete saw the officials take an exception to his tackle and he was asked to sit down for 10 minutes. But not before some participants in a ruck caused Red Devil confusion when someone got mistaken for Mr Hopa…….do you know more?? then email us at gloriuschin@gmail.com.

The 2012 GF centre combination of Geeman & Sharapova once again stopped many a Gosford attack with their hard hitting defence. They also both ran the ball strongly were a constant menace to Gosford all day.

In all a great effort to get into our 12rh straight first grade GF….can anyone beat that ?? If you know more email us at gloriuschin@gmail.com .

Media darling Coach Boof Jenkins went immediately to the NBN camera man as soon as the full time siren sounded to give his succinct media bite for the 6pm Saturday night news. He has such a face for radio that man.

See you all next weekend at Woy Woy when 2nd grade go for their GF spot

Final Score

AVOCA 38 GOSFORD 18

Scorers

Tries Jimmy x 2 , then 1 by Fash, Mitch G, Ando and the flying Jeff Andrew

Conversions 4 x Speedy

Match Report Saturday 17th August 2013 Vs Kariong @ Kariong

Second Grade Match Report

Needing to win by a large margin 2nds were forced to make changes due to injuries/people getting lost on the way to the ground etc right up until kick off. With Coach Parker still recovering from his mid-week operation Paul Kendall took over the coaching duties. His pre-game use of the white board to illustrate his now legendary tap move “The Wall” was an eye opening innovation given some of the players were not yet born when PK first tried it under match conditions. No doubt its complexity led to the slow start by seconds in their bid for a high score and perhaps a major semi birth. The fact that PK always gets the ball in the Wall caused a lot of confusion as he was never on the field yet his pre- game white board illustrations did show him getting the ball.
English refugee and committed tree hugger Concs taped his ears up and locked the scrum. His speed off the back of rucks (which he never went in anyway) saw him get 2 tries. It was a game for records with Mitch Ward (sometime sidekick of try scoring superstar Julio Spagbowler) getting across the line for 2 meat pies. In his battle with the Mexican WWF superstar Mitchy is now only one try adrift of getting first splash at Spagbowler’s next spa and tacho night.

Controversy continued when for some 40 minutes after the final whistle and despite 2 independent recounts trainee intern manager Fred Spindler could not come up with 22 jerseys. With 22 jerseys given out and only 21 in the bag after the game a very terse President Sturgess was seen to be in deep conversation with an obviously distressed Spindler. In an extraordinary move for second grade Sturgess called a press conference to say “At the moment Fred has the full backing of the committee “ When asked from the floor to comment on the rumour that Spindler had been tasked to appear before the committee on Monday night an irate Sturgess replied “ No comment” and promptly stormed out of the press tent.

Do you know more ? Then email us at gloriuschin@gmail.com

Final Score

AVOCA 55 KARIONG 13

Best & Fairest
3 Gus Mitchell
2 Josh Blackwell
1 Concs

Players’ player was Josh Blackwell

FIRST GRADE MATCH REPORT

With our semi-final position all set and the minor premiership ours for 2013 this game had no real bearing on the season. However some changes were need to be made with Maxie, Tommo, Mitch G and Jimmy all unavailable.

Speedy moved to full back and Pistol came in on the wing with Ando on the other wing. Dan & the Geeman paired up again in the centres with that blast from the past Justin Staben coming in at 5/8 for China bound Mitch Graham. The rampaging human javelin Sam Fortey was once again on the side and John Patterson from the U19’s got his first run on at 6.

In the tight 5 Josh kept the median age down whilst Oatie filled in at 8 with the Mexican WFF bound Spagbowler at the scrum base

Kariong like always were out to spoil however with a lot of changes we were never at our best. Despite that we got over for 5 tries with Speedy contributing a total of 16 points to well and truly shut the door on the despairing Dylan’s attempt to become the club’s highest point scorer for 2013.

Sherry tried out his injured calf but after a number of runs Coach Boof Jenkins rested him in favour of young U19 prop Dan Ransom.

In the tight the correctly attired and on time Conan combined well with his old partner Stretch with Oatie providing his usual solid game. Young Paddo showed glimpses of his class with the rampaging human javelin Sam Fortey growing into the no 7 role.

Our lineouts continue to cause Boof headaches and no doubt will be the focus of much training over the next few weeks.

Josh Meadham was great around the paddock being well supported by Spagbowler looking to increase his season try total

Sharapova Dan had a mighty game in defence and was well supported by the Geeman when they spread the ball

The victory gives us the week off and now for Gosford in the major semi

FINAL SCORE

AVOCA 36 KARIONG 7

Scorers

Tries

1 each to Speedy , Geeman, Josh Meadham,Stretch and Ando

Conversions

4 x Speedy

Penalty Goals

1 x Speedy

Players Player

Dan Reihana


DISCLAIMER
This weekly match report is a publication of CTF Publications, part of the Green Jade Group of Companies. The matters referred to in this report are in part the mad ravings of a disgraced former Oxford Don as well as tip bits of rumour and innuendo gathered after dark in the normally placid seaside village of Avoca Beach. Currently and without further ado this edition will be the last for 2013 given that CTF Publications may well be in liquidation by this time next week. CTF Publications will neither confirm nor deny that its financial difficulties arose when the Mexican WWF signed try scoring sensation Julio Spagbowler thereby denying CTF of its income from its well planned and lucrative blackmailing of various members of the ABRFC.

CTF Publications stands behind its reputation as the last bastion of journalistic freedom and does not and will never refer to itself as “ a rag”.

If the rumours and innuendo published in these reports are not true then they should be!

Match Report Saturday 10th August 2013 Vs Gosford at Gosford Showground (aka The Cow Paddock )

RUGBY REPORT

2nd grade have asked for equal time in these weekly match reports. Given their management have trouble putting pen to paper CTF Publications this week put their hard hitting sports reporter Arse Tu Wide on the job and he reports as follows

Score Avoca 50 Gosford 0

8 Tries were scored one each to Dane Cougartamer/the Duke/Conan/Cuzi Bro Brookie/Mitch/Faz/Dan with the sumo tail/Tony Barber.
5 conversions with 2 by Cougartamer and Dylan whilst Tony Barber ( fresh from SALE OF THE CENTURY) kicked one.

Passionate Pav at 7 had an outstanding game whilst Cuzzi Bro Brookie seems to have found a new rugby life wearing the 8 jersey. Canberra refugee Mitch Ward continues to impress and showed his skills by playing at 10. Bad luck for Mitch even though he scored a try Spagbowler got 2 later in the day. The second row of the Duke of Wellington and Conan were possibly our most experienced locks this season in 2nds.

Management was again astounded( this reporter was shocked ! ) when Conan not only showed up well in time to warm up for seconds but attired himself in all the correct gear including a left & right boot, mouth guard and correct sponsors shorts / socks.
Unbelievable and something to tell your grandkids later in life.

Coach Parker very impressed with the win and obviously looking forward to the semis now. He also thanked those who backed up from 3rds and in particular Dan Ransom who came on and scored a try. Dan showed up for the under 19’s ( which was forfeited ) and ended up getting a run in all 3 grades on the day. It all comes to those who wait!

Best & Fairest
3 Passionate Pav
2 Mitch Ward
1 Brookie Morgan

Players Player
Brookie Morgan


FIRST GRADE MATCH REPORT

Coach Boof Jenkins fresh from his media comitments with NBN and Central Coast Express had in the last few days been buffeted by injuries and internet harassment from female supporters of Dinner Suit. He appeared a worried man when he arrived at the Cow Paddock and when he tucked into his 2nd pie with sauce we knew things were not good. Jimmy Latham had injured himself during the week, AJ was in a brace and with Dinner Suit unavailable due to a possibly season ending injury(see editor's note) Boof had problems sorting out his backs. Not only that but with Sherry unable to back up from the Blue Filth game due to injury the engine room was also in need of an over haul.

However assistant coach and former child prodigy Justin Staben put his hand up and made a comeback at 15 whilst the evergreen Geeman slotted straight back in next to his 2012 centre partner Dan the man.

It was tough going in the first half with some very very big hits from both sides in and around the ruck. At lemons it was 20-3 to us and some of the hits were starting to slow us down.

However after a half time rev from Boof and some magic water we went straight on the defensive for the best part of 20 minutes in the second half. An all in dancing lesson over the side line saw Mitch Mitchell given a red card to go to counselling on Wednesday. Strange but the referee saw nothing wrong with his dance partner from Gosford throwing punches nor with the 3rd man from Gosford trying to cut in that escalated the fracas. This decision saw Buncey come on for his cousin and meant that Ando had to sit down.

In the thick of things was Oatie who showed great strength in his defence and ball carries. The rampaging human javelin Sam Fortey was in everything and Spagbowler with 2 tries showed his class. Maxie scored a try but an ankle injury saw him replaced by Mitch Ward and with the Fuz still on the field we had 4 half backs wearing the blue, green and gold. Surely a club record !

Conan also made a cameo off the bench in the second half whilst the injury riddled Ric V (with many a look to the sideline) was not replaced until well into the 2nd half.

Constant flopping over the ball by Gosford (maybe because some of their forwards looked like refugees from a cake shop) saw us given a range of penalties and Speedy kicked 3 of them. Along with his 3 conversions Speedy has put a lot of daylight between him and Dylan in their battle for the top scorers mantle.

A hard hitting win which ensured us the minor premiership and the major semi on 7th September

Scores

Avoca 30 Gosford 3

Tries
2 to Spagbowler
1 to Maxie

Conversions
3 to Speedy

Penalties
3 to Speedy

BEST & FAIREST
3 The Rampaging Human Javelin Sam Fortey
2 Tim Maxwell
1 Mitch Graham/Spagbowler/Oatie

PLAYERS’ PLAYER
Oatie

Editor’s Note

This report is purely about rugby and intentionally does not and will not refer to trivial non rugby matters like Italian Spaghetti Superstar Julio Spagbowler and his current trials , tribulations and the fact that he was last seen being chased naked up Cape Three Points Road by a marauding band of masked but otherwise fully naked Cougars who were screaming out “El Beasto….pick me ” which apparently is the ring name he has chosen when he makes his debut for the Mexican WWF next month. Nor will this report refer in any shape or form to the rumours of harassment of the local NBN sports reporter by a woman claiming to be Spagbowler’s mother . Allegedly the woman has been demanding that all videos/still photos of Spagbowler be destroyed claiming that NBN have consistently refused to spell his name correctly. For the record and as per our lawyer’s directive and in conjunction with a similar order from NBN’s legal people we note that the correct spelling is “ Spagbowler” and not Spagolennie, Spaghetti, Shaggy Spaggy nor has anyone at any time ever heard of a person named “Julian”.

We are also pleased to report that Coach Boof Jenkins heaved a huge sigh of relief when the injury to Dinner Suit was revealed to be a possible season ending one. Boof will now sleep tight knowing that the constant harassment by one known as “KD” demanding the no 15 jersey each week for her husband Dinner Suit will stop. Apparently he was getting tired of not only the internet traffic, the constant text messages but also handing out blankets and warm drinks each evening to all the people standing outside his house holding placards saying “For 15 …Pick DS” and "Super Heroes Wear Dinner Suits"


Sharkbait and ABRFC match reports are registered publications of CTF Publications a subsidiary of the Hong Kong based conglomerate The Green Jade Group of Companies

The views expressed in any CTF publication are generally those of a disgraced Oxford Don actively encouraged by the deranged owner and sole shareholder of The Green Jade Group of Companies

Do you know more?
Send any info to gloriuschin@gmail.com
Your identity will be protected

Spagbowler Signs to Wrestle with Mexican WWF

In breaking news Italian Spaghetti Super Star Julio Spagbowler has signed with a Mexican Wrestling Troupe and will take on all comers in the Mexican WWF

CTF Publications have obtained exclusive photos of Spagbowler's uniform when he joins the Mexican WWF.

Apparently he will wrestle under the ring name of "El Beasto". See above

A WWF spokesman(bearing a remarkable likeness to Spagbowler's rumoured gang land lieutenant Dane Cougartamer)confirmed "El Beasto" will be the headline act for a series of WWF wrestling matches to be announced on the Coast. In a unique take on this popular Mexican sport wrestlers from the WWF will compete in spa baths full of blue/green and gold jelly with seconds provided from a bevy of imported Mexican lap dancers

WWF Spokesman "Dane Cougartamer"



Do you know more ? Then send an email to gloriuschin@gmail.com with full details/photos and anything else you may have on this

ps don't forget to enclose a stamp self addressed envelope