Match Report Saturday 17th August 2013 Vs Kariong @ Kariong

Second Grade Match Report

Needing to win by a large margin 2nds were forced to make changes due to injuries/people getting lost on the way to the ground etc right up until kick off. With Coach Parker still recovering from his mid-week operation Paul Kendall took over the coaching duties. His pre-game use of the white board to illustrate his now legendary tap move “The Wall” was an eye opening innovation given some of the players were not yet born when PK first tried it under match conditions. No doubt its complexity led to the slow start by seconds in their bid for a high score and perhaps a major semi birth. The fact that PK always gets the ball in the Wall caused a lot of confusion as he was never on the field yet his pre- game white board illustrations did show him getting the ball.
English refugee and committed tree hugger Concs taped his ears up and locked the scrum. His speed off the back of rucks (which he never went in anyway) saw him get 2 tries. It was a game for records with Mitch Ward (sometime sidekick of try scoring superstar Julio Spagbowler) getting across the line for 2 meat pies. In his battle with the Mexican WWF superstar Mitchy is now only one try adrift of getting first splash at Spagbowler’s next spa and tacho night.

Controversy continued when for some 40 minutes after the final whistle and despite 2 independent recounts trainee intern manager Fred Spindler could not come up with 22 jerseys. With 22 jerseys given out and only 21 in the bag after the game a very terse President Sturgess was seen to be in deep conversation with an obviously distressed Spindler. In an extraordinary move for second grade Sturgess called a press conference to say “At the moment Fred has the full backing of the committee “ When asked from the floor to comment on the rumour that Spindler had been tasked to appear before the committee on Monday night an irate Sturgess replied “ No comment” and promptly stormed out of the press tent.

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Final Score

AVOCA 55 KARIONG 13

Best & Fairest
3 Gus Mitchell
2 Josh Blackwell
1 Concs

Players’ player was Josh Blackwell

FIRST GRADE MATCH REPORT

With our semi-final position all set and the minor premiership ours for 2013 this game had no real bearing on the season. However some changes were need to be made with Maxie, Tommo, Mitch G and Jimmy all unavailable.

Speedy moved to full back and Pistol came in on the wing with Ando on the other wing. Dan & the Geeman paired up again in the centres with that blast from the past Justin Staben coming in at 5/8 for China bound Mitch Graham. The rampaging human javelin Sam Fortey was once again on the side and John Patterson from the U19’s got his first run on at 6.

In the tight 5 Josh kept the median age down whilst Oatie filled in at 8 with the Mexican WFF bound Spagbowler at the scrum base

Kariong like always were out to spoil however with a lot of changes we were never at our best. Despite that we got over for 5 tries with Speedy contributing a total of 16 points to well and truly shut the door on the despairing Dylan’s attempt to become the club’s highest point scorer for 2013.

Sherry tried out his injured calf but after a number of runs Coach Boof Jenkins rested him in favour of young U19 prop Dan Ransom.

In the tight the correctly attired and on time Conan combined well with his old partner Stretch with Oatie providing his usual solid game. Young Paddo showed glimpses of his class with the rampaging human javelin Sam Fortey growing into the no 7 role.

Our lineouts continue to cause Boof headaches and no doubt will be the focus of much training over the next few weeks.

Josh Meadham was great around the paddock being well supported by Spagbowler looking to increase his season try total

Sharapova Dan had a mighty game in defence and was well supported by the Geeman when they spread the ball

The victory gives us the week off and now for Gosford in the major semi

FINAL SCORE

AVOCA 36 KARIONG 7

Scorers

Tries

1 each to Speedy , Geeman, Josh Meadham,Stretch and Ando

Conversions

4 x Speedy

Penalty Goals

1 x Speedy

Players Player

Dan Reihana


DISCLAIMER
This weekly match report is a publication of CTF Publications, part of the Green Jade Group of Companies. The matters referred to in this report are in part the mad ravings of a disgraced former Oxford Don as well as tip bits of rumour and innuendo gathered after dark in the normally placid seaside village of Avoca Beach. Currently and without further ado this edition will be the last for 2013 given that CTF Publications may well be in liquidation by this time next week. CTF Publications will neither confirm nor deny that its financial difficulties arose when the Mexican WWF signed try scoring sensation Julio Spagbowler thereby denying CTF of its income from its well planned and lucrative blackmailing of various members of the ABRFC.

CTF Publications stands behind its reputation as the last bastion of journalistic freedom and does not and will never refer to itself as “ a rag”.

If the rumours and innuendo published in these reports are not true then they should be!

Match Report Saturday 10th August 2013 Vs Gosford at Gosford Showground (aka The Cow Paddock )

RUGBY REPORT

2nd grade have asked for equal time in these weekly match reports. Given their management have trouble putting pen to paper CTF Publications this week put their hard hitting sports reporter Arse Tu Wide on the job and he reports as follows

Score Avoca 50 Gosford 0

8 Tries were scored one each to Dane Cougartamer/the Duke/Conan/Cuzi Bro Brookie/Mitch/Faz/Dan with the sumo tail/Tony Barber.
5 conversions with 2 by Cougartamer and Dylan whilst Tony Barber ( fresh from SALE OF THE CENTURY) kicked one.

Passionate Pav at 7 had an outstanding game whilst Cuzzi Bro Brookie seems to have found a new rugby life wearing the 8 jersey. Canberra refugee Mitch Ward continues to impress and showed his skills by playing at 10. Bad luck for Mitch even though he scored a try Spagbowler got 2 later in the day. The second row of the Duke of Wellington and Conan were possibly our most experienced locks this season in 2nds.

Management was again astounded( this reporter was shocked ! ) when Conan not only showed up well in time to warm up for seconds but attired himself in all the correct gear including a left & right boot, mouth guard and correct sponsors shorts / socks.
Unbelievable and something to tell your grandkids later in life.

Coach Parker very impressed with the win and obviously looking forward to the semis now. He also thanked those who backed up from 3rds and in particular Dan Ransom who came on and scored a try. Dan showed up for the under 19’s ( which was forfeited ) and ended up getting a run in all 3 grades on the day. It all comes to those who wait!

Best & Fairest
3 Passionate Pav
2 Mitch Ward
1 Brookie Morgan

Players Player
Brookie Morgan


FIRST GRADE MATCH REPORT

Coach Boof Jenkins fresh from his media comitments with NBN and Central Coast Express had in the last few days been buffeted by injuries and internet harassment from female supporters of Dinner Suit. He appeared a worried man when he arrived at the Cow Paddock and when he tucked into his 2nd pie with sauce we knew things were not good. Jimmy Latham had injured himself during the week, AJ was in a brace and with Dinner Suit unavailable due to a possibly season ending injury(see editor's note) Boof had problems sorting out his backs. Not only that but with Sherry unable to back up from the Blue Filth game due to injury the engine room was also in need of an over haul.

However assistant coach and former child prodigy Justin Staben put his hand up and made a comeback at 15 whilst the evergreen Geeman slotted straight back in next to his 2012 centre partner Dan the man.

It was tough going in the first half with some very very big hits from both sides in and around the ruck. At lemons it was 20-3 to us and some of the hits were starting to slow us down.

However after a half time rev from Boof and some magic water we went straight on the defensive for the best part of 20 minutes in the second half. An all in dancing lesson over the side line saw Mitch Mitchell given a red card to go to counselling on Wednesday. Strange but the referee saw nothing wrong with his dance partner from Gosford throwing punches nor with the 3rd man from Gosford trying to cut in that escalated the fracas. This decision saw Buncey come on for his cousin and meant that Ando had to sit down.

In the thick of things was Oatie who showed great strength in his defence and ball carries. The rampaging human javelin Sam Fortey was in everything and Spagbowler with 2 tries showed his class. Maxie scored a try but an ankle injury saw him replaced by Mitch Ward and with the Fuz still on the field we had 4 half backs wearing the blue, green and gold. Surely a club record !

Conan also made a cameo off the bench in the second half whilst the injury riddled Ric V (with many a look to the sideline) was not replaced until well into the 2nd half.

Constant flopping over the ball by Gosford (maybe because some of their forwards looked like refugees from a cake shop) saw us given a range of penalties and Speedy kicked 3 of them. Along with his 3 conversions Speedy has put a lot of daylight between him and Dylan in their battle for the top scorers mantle.

A hard hitting win which ensured us the minor premiership and the major semi on 7th September

Scores

Avoca 30 Gosford 3

Tries
2 to Spagbowler
1 to Maxie

Conversions
3 to Speedy

Penalties
3 to Speedy

BEST & FAIREST
3 The Rampaging Human Javelin Sam Fortey
2 Tim Maxwell
1 Mitch Graham/Spagbowler/Oatie

PLAYERS’ PLAYER
Oatie

Editor’s Note

This report is purely about rugby and intentionally does not and will not refer to trivial non rugby matters like Italian Spaghetti Superstar Julio Spagbowler and his current trials , tribulations and the fact that he was last seen being chased naked up Cape Three Points Road by a marauding band of masked but otherwise fully naked Cougars who were screaming out “El Beasto….pick me ” which apparently is the ring name he has chosen when he makes his debut for the Mexican WWF next month. Nor will this report refer in any shape or form to the rumours of harassment of the local NBN sports reporter by a woman claiming to be Spagbowler’s mother . Allegedly the woman has been demanding that all videos/still photos of Spagbowler be destroyed claiming that NBN have consistently refused to spell his name correctly. For the record and as per our lawyer’s directive and in conjunction with a similar order from NBN’s legal people we note that the correct spelling is “ Spagbowler” and not Spagolennie, Spaghetti, Shaggy Spaggy nor has anyone at any time ever heard of a person named “Julian”.

We are also pleased to report that Coach Boof Jenkins heaved a huge sigh of relief when the injury to Dinner Suit was revealed to be a possible season ending one. Boof will now sleep tight knowing that the constant harassment by one known as “KD” demanding the no 15 jersey each week for her husband Dinner Suit will stop. Apparently he was getting tired of not only the internet traffic, the constant text messages but also handing out blankets and warm drinks each evening to all the people standing outside his house holding placards saying “For 15 …Pick DS” and "Super Heroes Wear Dinner Suits"


Sharkbait and ABRFC match reports are registered publications of CTF Publications a subsidiary of the Hong Kong based conglomerate The Green Jade Group of Companies

The views expressed in any CTF publication are generally those of a disgraced Oxford Don actively encouraged by the deranged owner and sole shareholder of The Green Jade Group of Companies

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Spagbowler Signs to Wrestle with Mexican WWF

In breaking news Italian Spaghetti Super Star Julio Spagbowler has signed with a Mexican Wrestling Troupe and will take on all comers in the Mexican WWF

CTF Publications have obtained exclusive photos of Spagbowler's uniform when he joins the Mexican WWF.

Apparently he will wrestle under the ring name of "El Beasto". See above

A WWF spokesman(bearing a remarkable likeness to Spagbowler's rumoured gang land lieutenant Dane Cougartamer)confirmed "El Beasto" will be the headline act for a series of WWF wrestling matches to be announced on the Coast. In a unique take on this popular Mexican sport wrestlers from the WWF will compete in spa baths full of blue/green and gold jelly with seconds provided from a bevy of imported Mexican lap dancers

WWF Spokesman "Dane Cougartamer"



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ps don't forget to enclose a stamp self addressed envelope

1st Grade Match Report Vs The Blue Filth @ The Sharkpool Saturday 3rd August 2013

A great day. Fine and sunny and the Hill Packed. Barrie tuning up on the hill and the Under 19’s all dressed in their “onesies”.People 2-3 deep on both sides of the ground…bar sales going through the roof....... Sensational……..

Although we lost Under 19’s and 3rd grade another grinding effort from Seconds saw them power over the Filth to record a much needed victory

Great to see all the kids /second grade etc form the tunnel when 1st grade ran out. Surely a great inspiration to the boys for what was to be such a big game

From the kick off we knew it was going to be a tough one when from the first ruck The Filth no 7 knocked himself out and the game was stopped for some 5 minutes whilst the medical crews tended to him

After play re-started we made some busts and things were looking good when Jimmy backing up out wide went over near the posts and Speedy converted. The Filth kept at us and scored a run away try down the left wing which shook us up a bit.

Italian Spaghetti Superstar Julio Spagbowler re-acted like a Real Madrid striker and tried to re-arrange the back of the Blue Filth scorer’s head. Chaos ensured with a number of backs from both sides trading hand bags at 10 paces. Using an interpreter the referee asked Julio to go sit down for 10 minutes along with the violent femme from the Blue Filth.

Rampaging Sam Fortey (obviously a master stroke from Coach Boof Jenkins) was already out there and simply moved to half back

However we hung tough and towards half time Oatie scored near the posts and we led 14-10 at the break.

Friday night was the 2003 re-union dinner and one of the highlights was watching the video of our wins in 1st and 2nd grade. For the first time some of the younger players saw Paul Kendall’s (PK) famous tap move “The Wall” in action. In PK’s era “The Wall” when it was executed correctly the end result was PK got smashed. However when it went wrong PK still got smashed. Julio Spagbowler not only saw the video Friday night but obviously watched closely when PK’s re-enacted “The Wall” over the dinner table

The time was right then when 15 meters out Julio got his chance to put "The Wall” in action. Whilst first making sure Sam Fortey got smashed chanelling PK Julio the Sphagetti Superstar confused everyone to score the try under the posts. Speedy duly converted and we kicked out to a healthy lead.

However the Filth fought back and it was not until the final minutes when we pounced on a loose ball near the half way and Speedy won the race to score under the posts that the final result was decided. Again Speedy converted to make it 4 from 4 (Dylan please note)

Oatie was player’s player not only taking a very hard pass to score but also doing a tower of work in the tight. Dan and Sam along with AJ were the pick of the backs whilst Jimmy Latham was dangerous every time he got the ball .

A tough victory and I am sure that singing “Cheers Boys” with all the “onsies” from the hill under the Southern goal posts was a highlight

Next week it is Gosford away

Cheers Boys


Final score

AVOCA 28 BLUE FILTH 18

BEST & FAIREST
3 Dan Reihana & Sam Fortey
2 Adrian Jones
1 Jimmy Latham
Players Player Emile Thomas
Points
Tires…One each to Oatie,Julio Spagbowler , Speedy and Jimmy ( 4 tries= bonus point)
4 Conversions all by Speedy 100% record for the day (read that and weep Dylan)

SERIAL PESTS AND ANTICS FROM THE HILL AT THE SHARKPOOL
Serial Pest Robert Hurrell (aka Aussie Bob) made a dramatic effort to win the 2013 Pest of the Year Trophy with an absolutely outstanding effort. It takes a lot for someone to get tossed off the hill at the Sharkpool especially when we play the Blue Filth. But tossed off he was with the Hill Patriarch Barrie banishing Aussie Bob to the eastern sideline. He then went across to the Eastern side where photos show Aussie drinking it up in the 2003 premiership tent. Whilst he did get on the field during the 2nd grade grand final victory that year controversial video evidence does reveal that his entry to the playing field was as a water runner rather than a player. Given that the 2003 coach Jacko could not remember him you would have to conclude that Aussie Bob has been exposed. Aussie continued after the game in the clubhouse when during Deborah O’Neill’s election speech Aussie became quite vocal claiming he had evidence that he was Tony the monk’s love child. With perennial Pest of the Year runner up Sam Fortey seemingly accepting the fact that after turning 30 you have to grow up Aussie may well have this year's award already wrapped up (subject to a check with the Treasurer as to his fee paying status)

The 2003 re-union tent saw former notorious members of the Hillside Road Gang , Coxie and Fez spend quite some time regaling all and sundry about how good they were in “our day”. They were pleased to hear that now they have retired there is a new gang running the streets of Avoca Beach. This gang rumoured to be led by Italian Spaghetti Millionaire Julio Spagbowler can be seen late at night wearing their distinctive Mexican sombreros and carrying posters displaying naked lap dancers. Spagbowler declined to comment on these potentially shocking allegations ( other than to cry out in despair “ leave me alone” ) however we have identified some other gang members including the Cougar taming Smithy ( a pseudonym alleged to be used by a bloke called Dane) and Spa expert known as "Passionate Pav"

Do you know more ? Then send an email with full details to gloriuschin@gmail.com . Don’t forget to include a self-addressed and stamped envelope. Gang members who want to out themselves will be granted limited anonymity