1st grade Vs Warnervale

MATCH REPORT

GRADE : 1ST GRADE

VENUE : THE SHARK POOL

VS : WARNERVALE

RESULT : AVOCA 50 WARNERVALE 10


A very spirited Warnervale came out with all guns blazing and assisted by some interesting decisions it was 10-10 at lemons

Coach Jenkins appeared calm and with resolve he pulled out his Churchillian speech and had the boys fired up for the second half. With Speedy running riot outwide we put on 6 tries in the second half

Conan’s mate Dan put on some big hits in centre field whilst Josh Davies directed play from his armchair. Murph was strong on the ball and got 2 meaties

In the first half the Fuz appeared dazed and bewildered. Rumour has it he had sustained a work related head injury the night before. However when his head cleared and after Dave Horton hit him with some good ball he got the backs moving. The jack rabbit (Len Beckett) confused everyone with some of his trade mark darts across , around and under the opposition.

Young Jay Steel recovering from his motor bike accident had a big game taking out the points and winning man of the match.

When Juice ran out of juice Jeff Andrew took the field after a full game in 2nds for his first 1s tXV appearance. Like the little red fire engine he just keeps trying and was rewarded with a man of the round performance.

Conan was a late starter for the game due to his involvement in a socks dispute with management but was able to get across for a 5 pointer in the 2nd half.

Players are reminded that any private sponsorship they are using to top up their match payments must be approved by the ARU salary cap auditor and then passed by the committee.

Don’t forget Rojo Rockets this Thursday night where Julian Bieber will sing and dance while Kochie reads excerpts from his new book “ Why Doris is an Earful “

See you at the Sharkpool !

Cheers Boys


The Management

Scorers

Tries 7 tries scored 1 each to Troy , Conan, Hippy , Liam ,Oatie Speedy and 2 to Murph

Conversions : 6 x Speedy

Penalties : 1x Speedy

B & F

3 Jay Steele
2 Tom Murphy
1 Jeff Andrew & Dan the man

Players Player : Jay Steele

1st Grade Vs Northlakes 14th May 2011

MATCH REPORT

GRADE : 1ST GRADE

VENUE : SLADE PARK

VS : NORTHLAKES

RESULT : AVOCA 40 NORTHLAKES 12


Northlakes away at Slade Park is always a hard game to get up for. Add to that Uber manager Burns also away on rep duties and rookie Grunter in control for the day Coach Jenkins was quite nervosa about it all. At half time despite scoring 3 tries we only led 15-7. With points scoring machine Matt Maloney away at a wedding ( no he was not in Auckland giving his brother kicking lessons ) did Coach Jenkins decide whoever scores can have a kick ?
Unfortunately only the Fuz was able to convert his try whilst Stretch exercising his captain privileges saw his go astray and the laughs continued when Dinner Suit stepped up for a conversion attempt managing to stretch his hammy and miss all in the one movement.
Chad Martin had a man of the match performance ably supported by Murph out wide. Matt Anderson capped his first run in 1st grade in 2011 with a try whilst David Horton was strong before going off with an injury

Next week we are back at home facing the ever improving Warnervale in what will be a contest !

See you at the Sharkpool !

Cheers Boys


The Management

Scorers

Tries Chad x 2 , Fuz x 1 , Dave Horton x 1, Hippy x 1 , Conan x 1 , Mat Anderson x 1

Conversions : Fuz x 1

Penalties : Fuz x 1

B & F

3 Chad Martin
2 Tom Murphy
1 Matt Hipwell

Players Player : Chad Martin

1st Grade Match Report Vs Kariong

VENUE : THE SHARKPOOL

7th May 2011

VS : KARIONG


RESULT : AVOCA 24 KARIONG 29

This was the big one a grand final replay of our past 2 year’s triumphs.
We started in second gear and never really got into it during the first half .At lemons it was 22-5 against us with a very large mountain to climb
The kick off for the second half looked good but a defensive lapse saw Kariong score again and convert …it was now 29-5 !
To our credit the boys rallied and with David Horton making breaks backed up by Speedy and the youthful Josh Davies we got back to 29-24.
The last 10 minutes saw our forwards really rip into Kariong and we had a number of opportunities to score and win the game.
However it was not to be and the final score was 29-24.
Peter Steele led from the front and was ably supported by Fuz ,Beetle and Horto.
Our scrum was solid but some basic errors across the field led to our downfall. On a more positive note Josh Davies move to o/s centre for the first half saw him take his season tackle count to 8 and this week his jumper was washed !

Uber Coach Jenkins was heartened by the fight back and we know all know that every game will be a grand final for us this year. We have to lift because everyone wants our scalp….The backlash of being popular…just ask the management !

Cheers Boys


The Management

Scorers

TRIES Speedy x 2,Josh x 1 and Horto x 1

Conversions Speedy x 2

B & F

3 Peter Steele
2 Justin Stabin
1 Tom Murphy

Players Player : David Horton

Sharkbait 7 May 2011

SHARKBAIT 2011

A CHIN TU FAT MEDIA PUBLICATION
SPECIAL EDITION
SATURDAY 7th May 2011 Number 347865 Folio 89

Disclaimer anyone offended by the contents of this newsletter is directed to contact our legal advisors Tort Tort & Moretort who will claim they know nothing about Sharkbait and that Chin Tu Fat Enterprises and all names associated with Sharkbait are the figment of the imagination of a deranged fat bastard. This is simply not true and everything written , assumed or noted in Sharkbait is completely true. If it not yet completely true it soon will be so please remain patient


EDITORIAL

Welcome back to the Sharkpool for the big clash against Kariong . Last week saw near riots at the Sharkpool when Ourimbah defeated us in 1st grade 17-16. Children went without food, wives without money and old ladies were crying in the streets of Avoca after the defeat. Sharkbait’s palace insider has it on good authority that Super Coach Stewart Jenkins maintains the full support of the committee and that last week was a slight hiccup to our season. In between his media commitments for Advanced Hair Studios, President Juice confirmed that the rumoured signing of Cipriani as next year’s defensive coach was simply that “a rumour”. Anyway the entire club’s cash has been allocated to ensure the security of teenage pop superstar JULIAN BIEBER at every home game. There will be nothing left after those funds are spent. In a world’s first inside Sharkbait we bring you the only ever interview with Emille Thomas’s ear the world famous DORIS. Don’t miss this one.

EDITOR IN CHIEF
WINSTON HARRISON-JONES B.A (Oxon ) failed


JULIAN BIEBER LIVE AT ROJO ROCKETS
THURSDAY 26th MAY 2011

Rock on with Bieber at Rojos
Be part of the media scrum on his
“Never Say Never Tour”
Special Guest
David Koch from Channel 7’s Sunrise
Win a Mexican Hat Dance with Bieber
Cost $ 50 per head includes 2 hours of
• Drinks
• Tapas Food
• Music
• Your own paper napkin signed by the Bieber

All profits after costs to the Avoca Rugby Club
Bring your friends and school girls their mothers
Don’t miss this GREAT NIGHT OUT
Run off the Bieber and meet the girl of your dreams
NO TRAINING THAT NIGHT, COACH JENKINS SAYS SO
SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS

An interview with Doris

SB “ Not many people know who you are but you are certainly prominent…how did it all start ?’
Doris “When I started out I was quite attractive and welded to the head I was born with but over time constant friction has changed me “
SB “ So how have you changed ? “
Doris “Well every time I get excited I cry blood..that’s how committed I am “
SB “ Then what happens ? “
Doris “ Well some fat bloke runs out onto the field and straps me to the head and I cannot hear anything nor see what is going on. I am screaming inside but people just don’t want to listen anymore “
SB “ Sad times Doris but surely there must have been some highlights ?”
Doris “ Yes there have been ..my childhood was a great time because then I was truly a free ear to do what I liked but now there is the constant scrumming and the fear of fat blokes who want to cover me up . I am sensitive about my head getting called names because of me. I yearn to be free. In fact I have a secret desire to become a noise tester for a heavy metal band but with the continued deterioration of my physical presence I fear I may just end up as used plasticine in a play group “

Love’s labour Lost

A tale of Romeo & Juliette gone wrong

A certain camera carrying, long time bachelor & committee member - to protect the guilty lets call him Romeo - is in the throes of re-igniting a school yard passion. Apparently the lady concerned has come back into Romeo's life recently and in a desperate effort to get back into the romance race Romeo took off for a secret rendezvous in Sydney.

After getting his car serviced and his hair done he was travelling south on the F3 when his car developed engine trouble. He pulled over to check it out and when looking under his bonnet he felt a strange sensation in his groin, Was this excitement or what? No it was fire ants crawling inside his privates! After much anguish and jumping around Romeo fought them off. He then spruced himself up and proceeded at great haste to his romantic rendezvous. He arrived and ever hopeful the fires of passion were still there Romeo made his first move by saying
“please Juliette remove the sting but leave the swelling”
…alas his beloved after waiting so long and seeing the effects of angry red ants replied ….
“Dearest I have developed a head ache …come back new week !”
Welcome back to the real world Romeo!

IN OUR NEXT SHARKBAIT …DON’T MISS

1) Doris tells of her “ ear from hell “ Is a divorce from her head pending ?
2) Romeo finally joins with Juliette..a match made on the side of the F3
3) Bieber Fever…win a back stage pass for 6 school girls and their mothers

Round 2 v Terrigal

1st grade Vs Terrigal
09-04-2011 @ SHARK POOL HEAZLETT PARK
Avoca Sharks 43 Terrigal 8

Other than a grand final this is the game we all love to win. A sunny day and with Barrie’s hill packed our boys were fired up to take on the enemy from over the hill.

Running into Barrie’s hill we lead 25-3 by half time with Lennie causing havoc in the centres and Speedy running rings around them out wide

Julian Bieber justified his celebrity status with some strong darts from the scrum base that had the legions of school girls watching swooning in the late afternoon sun.

Once again our forwards led the way with Conan making his mark on the Filth’s no 7 and Oatie & Stretch solid in the middle. A stray elbow taken on the nose by Stretch saw him spend 10 minutes in the blood bin before half time.

A long break whilst out under 7’s showed their wares saw us running to the lake in the 2nd half. The Filth only scored a try when we had 2 men in the sin bin and the final result was well and truly a convincing victory.

Coach Stewart Jenkins was well pleased with the efforts of all players and in particular Oatie’s strong showing in defense and taking the ball up.

With a tackle made against Woy Woy and then 2 tackles in a row against the Filth Dinner Suit Davies
has made a statement for the rest of the season .But does that mean he will he make another tackle given he has made more tackles this year then in his past 10 seasons ?

Stay tuned dear reader and watch the year unfold

Next week its Gosford away in what will be another blockbuster at Gosford Show Ground

Cheers
The Management Team

TRIES: 3 to Lennie , 2 to Speedy and one to Dinner Suit
CONV: 2 X Speedy
PEN: 3 X Speedy
F/GOAL:

3: OATIE
2: LENNIE BECKETT
1: TOM MURPHY

PLAYERS PLAYER : JULIAN BIEBER

Sharkbait 9 April 2011

SHARKBAIT 2011

9th April 2011
Special Edition

Special Interest Articles Inside:
• Barman found Drunk • Tallie denies marriage rumors

Photos Inside:
Julian Bieber, Holidays with Chin, Tallies pre nuptials, Sam Fortey’s shame

Sam Fortey Banished for 12 months

Last year’s premiership winning 1st grade half back Sam Fortey has been banished by the club after an unsavory off field incident. Please cover your children’s ears and eyes whilst we divulge his travesty
HE HAD HIS PHOTO TAKEN IN A BLUE FILTH JERSEY
At an emotional press conference Sam’s father and long time club stalwart Steve Fortey admitted that what Sam had done was basically shattering to his family. He admitted that Sam brought shame on both the Forty’s. And the ABRFC.
As Steve said “He is my son and I intend to work with him over the next 12 months and help him to understand what he has done. Hopefully he will come back better for the experience and as a 7 time runner up for the Pest of the Year Award Sam still has a lot to offer the club “
Steve concluded by asking all club members to find it in their hearts to forgive Sam and when he is finally rehabilitated ensure that he never ever repeats such an error.

Editor In Chief
Winston Harrison - Jones

Julian Bieber to Replace Horton

In a coup for incoming coach Stewart ( Jenko) Jenkins the club is pleased to announce that this week the starting half back in 1st grade will be Julian Bieber.
After last week’s cameo run on against Woy Woy the teen heart throb who started his singing career delivering fresh fruit for TJ’s at Kincumber has agreed to a game to his early evening concert on the steps of the clubhouse (girls between 18 and 25 admitted free if still in their original school uniforms and accompanied by their mother)
Bieber’s publicists confirmed that major sponsors Adidas ,Avoca Beach Cake shop and the Pizzeria had pooled their resources to enable the teen heart throb to be signed for this important clash.
Bieber’s run on is at the expense of offseason signing David Horton who injured his ankle during a strong first up showing against Woy Woy last week .Noted rugby enthusiast Ben Spindler was ecstatic when he heard the news saying “ I just can’t wait to hear his rendition of MUMMA MIA during the warm up !”
2nd grade Coach Matt Parker admitted that he did not know Bieber was Italian.

“ Julian I want to be your mother “
Graffiti found in the ladies toilets Thursday night

Jenkins makes Super Comeback ?

Could Stewart (Jenko ) Jenkins newly appointed 1st grade coach for 2001 lost to the club for the remainder of the Super 15 season ?
With rumors that the Tahs have resurrected the career of a guy nicknamed “Jenko” rumors abounded that Coach Jenko was Sydney bound
Our investigative reporter Arse Tu Wide immediately left for Sydney on the 11.30 express to central to investigate
Using his unlimited contacts we have found out the truth .In breaking news we are pleased to advise that:
The TAHS NEW SIGNING IS NOT COACH JENKO
Apparently THEY ONLY HAVE the same “nickname”
Like always the truth may hurt but our readers will always know it

Entertainment at the Shark Pool

ABRFC is pleased to announce that at the conclusion of 1st grade today members & supporters will be entertained by Julian Bieber and his boy band.
School girls will need their ID as it is licensed premises.

No Shit No Ship HMAS Adelaide To Go Down

Controversy surrounds the forthcoming sinking of the HMAS Adelaide off Avoca Beach. Rumor has it that Club President Andrew “Juice “ Parker has thrown his full weight behind the dumping of this vessel. When confronted by Sharkbait President Juice admitted that he had voted for the sinking. When pressed President Juice admitted that part of his re-election platform included the provision of a new grand stand. He believes that the sinking of the vessel provides the club with the opportunity for a new grandstand. Basically his plans included the hiring of rubber ducks from the surf club and accompanied by members of the tight five he planned to board the Adelaide as it rounded Avoca Point and then under his command run the vessel up through the lake entrance and scuttle it between the oval and the North Avoca side of the lake.

By doing this President Juice hopes to achieve 2 things
1) Obviously a new grandstand ( with 10 corporate boxes ) and
2) A revenue stream for the club whereby with the laying planks to and from the vessel the club will have the much needed walkway between Avoca and North Avoca. He spoke about toll gates manned night and day by committee members and out of work Gosford Council stop/go staff
Warming to his task President Juice also envisaged using the HMAS Adelaide’s helicopter platform to commence helicopter joy rides for supporters during home games.
He noted that Julian Bieber had to be driven in for today’s game as there was no helicopter access to the Shark Pool
Such inconveniences would now be a thing of the past with rock concerts, helicopter tours and the toll revenue ensuring that the ABRFC would remain financial well into the next century
Your reporter was just blown away by the vision of President Juice
Truly a man of vision and innovation despite the portrait of Pauline Hanson that graces his office

Round 1 v Woy Woy

1st grade Vs Woy Woy
02-04-2011 @ Woy Woy Oval
Avoca Sharks 35 Woy Woy 10

It was big week for coach Nervosa what with his first time at the helm of 1st Grade and the last minute negotiations with Uber manager Robert Burns which saw Nervosa sign Robert to a lucrative 3 game contract he had a lot on his plate.

Gosford Council in their wisdom closed all training grounds during the week given they needed the ground to remain pristine so they could park 350 cars on it when the HMAS Adelaide gets sunk .

However with the return of child prodigy David Horton to the club along with the CCRU rep players the team taking the field was pretty much the one that finished covered in fame,beer and dressed like girls after last year’s grand final.

With Sam Fortey suspended by the club for 12 months due to his allowing himself to be photographed in a Blue Filth jersey ( how could he do that to his family ? ) ,Fuz moved to half back and David Horton took over 5/8 duties.

Great to see that referee Carl Duriz set up good standard displaying all his whistle blowing skills during the first half. With the new ARU interpretation that just because a ball goes through the posts over the back dot does not mean a goal will be awarded things were a little tight at half time with the Sharks leading 13-10 at oranges.

Our scrum was dominant all game with big efforts from Jumbo, Sherry & Hippy upfront

Fired up by Coach Nervosa and backs coach Pertrie the boys came out with more purpose after halftime allowing Speedy to display all his speed skills out wide. Last year Dinner Suit Davies waited until the grand final to make a tackle however due to an intense pre season programme Dinner Suit actually made a cracker , saving a try , getting his jersey dirty and not spilling any blood ! Unbelievable

An ankle injury to David Horton saw Coach Nervosa become the innovator once again. How did he get Justin Bieber to make a cameo appearance at half back when Fuz moved to 5/8 ? His coffers must be bottomless. There is obviously a lot of money in gas.

We were a bit rusty and understandably so but good efforts from Chad in tight and Lennie in the backs helped us show some form . Captain Peter Steele led from the front and was obviously so proud to hold aloft the David Steele Memorial Trophy after the game. In a tight vote Stretch was voted “players player”

Next week it is the Blue Filth at home with Justin Bieber rumored to be bringing his band for the after game function. We may need more security to keep the school girls out of the clubhouse

How does Coach Nervosa do it ?

Cheers

The Management Team

TRIES: 3 to Speedy and one each to Conan ,Fuz and Chad


Speedy kicked 1 conversion and a penalty goal .NOTE YOUR BROTHER KICKED 5 OUT OF 5 FOR THE WARRIORS VS THE SHARKS YESTERDAY….LIFT YOUR GAME SPEEDY!

CONV: 1 X Speedy
PEN: 1 X Speedy
F/GOAL:

3: CHAD MARTIN
2: LENNIE BECKETT
1: MATT MALONEY
PLAYERS PLAYER : PETER STEELE