9th April 2011
Special Edition
Special Interest Articles Inside:
• Barman found Drunk • Tallie denies marriage rumors
Photos Inside:
Julian Bieber, Holidays with Chin, Tallies pre nuptials, Sam Fortey’s shame
Sam Fortey Banished for 12 months
Last year’s premiership winning 1st grade half back Sam Fortey has been banished by the club after an unsavory off field incident. Please cover your children’s ears and eyes whilst we divulge his travesty
HE HAD HIS PHOTO TAKEN IN A BLUE FILTH JERSEY
At an emotional press conference Sam’s father and long time club stalwart Steve Fortey admitted that what Sam had done was basically shattering to his family. He admitted that Sam brought shame on both the Forty’s. And the ABRFC.
As Steve said “He is my son and I intend to work with him over the next 12 months and help him to understand what he has done. Hopefully he will come back better for the experience and as a 7 time runner up for the Pest of the Year Award Sam still has a lot to offer the club “
Steve concluded by asking all club members to find it in their hearts to forgive Sam and when he is finally rehabilitated ensure that he never ever repeats such an error.
Editor In Chief
Winston Harrison - Jones
Julian Bieber to Replace Horton
In a coup for incoming coach Stewart ( Jenko) Jenkins the club is pleased to announce that this week the starting half back in 1st grade will be Julian Bieber.
After last week’s cameo run on against Woy Woy the teen heart throb who started his singing career delivering fresh fruit for TJ’s at Kincumber has agreed to a game to his early evening concert on the steps of the clubhouse (girls between 18 and 25 admitted free if still in their original school uniforms and accompanied by their mother)
Bieber’s publicists confirmed that major sponsors Adidas ,Avoca Beach Cake shop and the Pizzeria had pooled their resources to enable the teen heart throb to be signed for this important clash.
Bieber’s run on is at the expense of offseason signing David Horton who injured his ankle during a strong first up showing against Woy Woy last week .Noted rugby enthusiast Ben Spindler was ecstatic when he heard the news saying “ I just can’t wait to hear his rendition of MUMMA MIA during the warm up !”
2nd grade Coach Matt Parker admitted that he did not know Bieber was Italian.
“ Julian I want to be your mother “
Graffiti found in the ladies toilets Thursday night
Jenkins makes Super Comeback ?
Could Stewart (Jenko ) Jenkins newly appointed 1st grade coach for 2001 lost to the club for the remainder of the Super 15 season ?
With rumors that the Tahs have resurrected the career of a guy nicknamed “Jenko” rumors abounded that Coach Jenko was Sydney bound
Our investigative reporter Arse Tu Wide immediately left for Sydney on the 11.30 express to central to investigate
Using his unlimited contacts we have found out the truth .In breaking news we are pleased to advise that:
The TAHS NEW SIGNING IS NOT COACH JENKO
Apparently THEY ONLY HAVE the same “nickname”
Like always the truth may hurt but our readers will always know it
Entertainment at the Shark Pool
ABRFC is pleased to announce that at the conclusion of 1st grade today members & supporters will be entertained by Julian Bieber and his boy band.
School girls will need their ID as it is licensed premises.
No Shit No Ship HMAS Adelaide To Go Down
Controversy surrounds the forthcoming sinking of the HMAS Adelaide off Avoca Beach. Rumor has it that Club President Andrew “Juice “ Parker has thrown his full weight behind the dumping of this vessel. When confronted by Sharkbait President Juice admitted that he had voted for the sinking. When pressed President Juice admitted that part of his re-election platform included the provision of a new grand stand. He believes that the sinking of the vessel provides the club with the opportunity for a new grandstand. Basically his plans included the hiring of rubber ducks from the surf club and accompanied by members of the tight five he planned to board the Adelaide as it rounded Avoca Point and then under his command run the vessel up through the lake entrance and scuttle it between the oval and the North Avoca side of the lake.
By doing this President Juice hopes to achieve 2 things
1) Obviously a new grandstand ( with 10 corporate boxes ) and
2) A revenue stream for the club whereby with the laying planks to and from the vessel the club will have the much needed walkway between Avoca and North Avoca. He spoke about toll gates manned night and day by committee members and out of work Gosford Council stop/go staff
Warming to his task President Juice also envisaged using the HMAS Adelaide’s helicopter platform to commence helicopter joy rides for supporters during home games.
He noted that Julian Bieber had to be driven in for today’s game as there was no helicopter access to the Shark Pool
Such inconveniences would now be a thing of the past with rock concerts, helicopter tours and the toll revenue ensuring that the ABRFC would remain financial well into the next century
Your reporter was just blown away by the vision of President Juice
Truly a man of vision and innovation despite the portrait of Pauline Hanson that graces his office
No comments:
Post a Comment