1st XV Match Report Vs Woy Woy Saturday 13th July 2013 at the SHARKPOOL

EDITOR’S NOTE and DISCLAIMER
The thoughts expressed in these weekly match reports are those of a certain failed Oxford Don who writes for a famous Oriental gentleman who just happens to own a publishing company as well as a string of bars where ladies in skimpy attire dance around poles to the music of AC/DC and ZeeZeeTop watched by numerous males sweating in their heavy plastic rain coats. This report is not sanctioned by the ABRFC Committee.It is tolerated as long as nothing derogatory is written about Terry Sturgess the current President. Although Coach “Boof” Jenkins has the full support of the ABRFC committee this week ...whatever is said about him in these pages is deemed to be the truth or at least a fair version of the truth. This week’s match report is a satire on what passed as a rugby game last Saturday. It in no way reflects on the small number of Woy Woy players who turned out in every grade to ensure the Sharks had a run. Their courage was admirable and they are to be applauded. Objections and hate mail can be sent to gloriuschin@gmail.com

If you include your name and address plus mobile number you can be assured of a number of things
1) Your mobile number will be made available to a select group of ABRFC pests which could mean that Oatie & Ricky Staben may call you on a Sunday morning at approx 2am and demand you give them a lift home from Joe's Garage in Gosford.
2) Your comments will be noted and forwarded to the appropriate authorities including the Australian Press Council , ABRFC and Terry Sturgess
3) You will appear in subsequent match reports

Cheers Boys

Winston Harrison-Jones B.A (Oxon-failed)




It was a sunny but slightly chilly day when preparations began for the match against Woy Woy. Overnight rain did not affected the pitch given the head groundsman had the covers on all night.
At the pre-match press conference the head groundsman inferred the wicket could take spin late in the day however as there was a lot of green on the wicket the fast bowlers could benefit early from a wicket that in the past has played like a Madras dust bowl. Both captains acted quickly and called for the heavy roller.

Captain Stretch marched to the wicket for the toss whilst Coach “Boof “Jenkins (dribbling tomato sauce, a legacy of his daring morning ram raid on Garlo’s pies at Erina ) was still tweaking his line-up.

With Stretch winning the toss and electing to bat Coach Boof in a major surprise bought in the rampaging Sam Fortey at 7. Boof said “Sam brings an extra dimension to the middle order, he can take apart an attack with his aggression plus his slow googlies have confused many opponents. This game cries out for an all-rounder and Sam will fill that position. Although his defence at times has been called “skinny” I am confident his aggression in attack will bolster our middle order which has been weakened by injury compounded by some players being unavailable"

Prior to this season Sam’s main claim to fame was being the 7 time runner up in the ABRFC pest of the year awards. However as an all-rounder he had yet to be tested. Mat Hall on the Coast for the 20/20 game earlier was also added to the team list to back up any rampage that Sam could cause in the middle order. Galloping Green Maxwell was a late withdrawal and with the Geeman still feeling his hamstring the Sharks took the field for the first time this year without any former Randwick players in the line-up and what a bonus that is !

Speedy opened the batting and with 3 sixes and 14 boundaries his innings of 43 off as many balls earned him the man of the match and a bat contract with Slazenger. With an average of over 50 for the day (Speedy warmed up with some boundaries in the earlier 20/20 fixture) he may well have passed Dylan (the Hammer) Hardacker in the race for the season’s all-time best batting average. Rumour has it that the Hammer is flying home early from his short stint in the IPL to ensure Speedie does not get too far in front.

The top order including veteran Ricky Staben and Mat (the bat) Anderson hit out with Mat’s short innings of 3 sixes wowing the crowd. Ricky in his benefit year also hit 3 sixes but had another certain boundary over ruled by the third umpire when video replays showed he had actually thrown the ball over the boundary rope rather than hit it in the required manner

Tommo was again everywhere in the field showing great skill in stopping Woy Woy runs after we declared at 0 for 113 and Woy Woy were sent in. Coach Boof Jenkins was most peeved however when after setting our rivals a target of 113 Woy Woy were able to get a late boundary and get on the scoreboard for 5. Looks like there will be a hell of a lot of fielding drills before next week’s fixture Vs Ourimbah.

It was a good romp out there for many of our players. Sherry showed his speed off the mark when he carried his bat and ran 50 meters to score. His swan dive over the boundary rope brought the crowd their feet. Rick Veitch after shedding his gloves and stepping out from behind the stumps went into the outfield on a number of occasions weaving , side stepping and eventually crashing his way to the boundary fence.

Spaghetti super star Julio Spagbowler only hit one boundary as he played more of a supporting role this week. Most probably had enough of the media spot light for the time being or perhaps he was pining after the departure of Miss France back to Mauritius?

Management were most impressed when 12th man Conan showed up with a complete kit including his own mouth guard, helmet, jock strap, and the correct club sponsored shorts and socks. Well done Katie Winter! Of course Conan did not bring his bat this week as we all know 12th men don’t get to bat or bowl.

A special mention to our recent recruit Dane Chambers who scored a whirlwind 5 over the fence tries in the early 20/20 fixture. This boy has speed to burn and could be an x factor in the run to the semis.

A highlight of the 20/20 fixture was the appearance in the back line of Dinner Suit and his 2 brothers in law Richo and Faz. This scribe did not see that unique event but rumours abound that Faz & Richo simply played “cut one “ every time Dinner Suit tried to get in between them and show off.

Final score

AVOCA 113 WOY WOY 5

BEST & FAIREST
3 Speedie
2 Tommo
1 A rampaging Sam Fortey

Players Player Mat Anderson

Points

17 tries…made up of
3 each to Speedie, Matt Anderson and Ricky Staben ( playing his benefit year )
2 each to Mitch Graham and Adrian Jones
1 each to Sherry/Rick Veitch/Julio Spagbowler/and the rampaging Sam Fortey

14 Conversions ( all by Speedie ……….with The Hammer away there was no way anyone else was getting a chance to kick a goal ).

Ed note : Many spectators pleaded with Coach “ Boof” Jenkins to give Oatie a go as they were looking for some laughs. However Coach "Boof" Jenkins made it quite clear that Oatie has been banned from kicking for the rest of the season