1ST Grade Match Report vs Ourimbah at Ourimbah Saturday 20th July 2013

DISCLAIMER

Alleged reformed serial pest Robert Hurrell has been harassing the staff at CTF Publications demanding inclusion in the match report. For what we don’t know but his demands have all started with the statement “as a former Sharks Super Star etc etc “. A search of the club’s records has never found any such reference to even the word “star” when using either of Aussie Bob’s non de plumes. CTP Publications wishes to make it clear that Robert Hurrell (a.k.a Aussie Bob ) will never be mentioned in match reports (except this week’s disclaimer) nor will any other false prophets extolling their own rugby renaissance be mentioned

LATE BREAKING NEWS and FURTHER DISCLAIMER

CTF Publications has received many & varied reports in regard to claims that a member of the Avoca Sharks spent Saturday night cavorting with a group of Mexican lap dancers. It is not company policy to publish anything that cannot be substantiated nor what is obviously simply rumour and innuendo made up by jealous second graders and overweight front rowers. In addition our lawyers Tort Tort & Moore Tort are currently before the NSW Supreme Court fighting a related injunction lodged by the Mexican and Italian Consulates. This injunction is an affront to the concept of a free press and hopefully the court will rule in our favour. If so then CTF Publications intends to come out fighting with a Black Label one-off publication of SHARKBAIT in time for the upcoming home game vs The Blue Filth.

Our lawyers have cleared the following statement as it is a fact and word for word repeats a 4am message left last Sunday morning on the answering machine in the offices of CTF Publications by an unidentified female caller

“Hello is that CTF Publications? I have just seen a certain rugby playing Italian Superstar running up Cape Three Points Rd clad only in a very small bath towel. Right behind him are 4 women who appear to be Mexican lap dancers wearing large sombreros screaming out “Spaggy Spaggy.....come back” … hang on a minute…message breaks … the caller shouts “ you girls put those hats back on this is a family suburb “….are you still there CTF ? They are also throwing bits of pizza and hamburger at him ! Should I call the police? “

As the caller did not leave their name a trace of the number showed it originated somewhere in the vicinity of Cape Three Points Rd Avoca Beach which infers it was genuine. We are investigating further

Do you know more ? Do you want to unburden your soul ? Send an email to gloriuschin@gmail.com.....your identity will be protected except if what you say is funny/slanderous or usable in an adult magazine


Match Report

All week we had been hearing rumours out of the Razorback camp that they were ready to knock us off and move forward to the semi-finals as a real threat to the competition. As the day turned out such aspirations seemed a bit over the top
Thinks hotted up when Thirds after a disastrous game vs Woy Woy, turned on a display of rugby we have been waiting all year to see giving Ourimbah a real bath all over the paddock. President Sturgess has advised that the club will comply with any and all directives required by various drug testing agencies


Seconds were also in for a hard tussle and despite being down most of the game they just kept grinding away with a real never say die attitude. Some of the younger guys stood up in what was a display of the type of football that is needed come semi-final time. In the end seconds got their noses in front and except for a brief moment right before full time Ourimbah never got back in the game. A great victory for second grade.

On a sad noted despite cutting short his USA holiday when he heard that Speedy had scored over 50 points vs Woy Woy, Dylan had a horror day with the boot. Jet lag and the bright lights of Las Vegas have been blamed.

First grade ran out after stirring speeches from both Stretch and Coach “Boof” Jenkins. Some of the players were somewhat befuddled when Boof during his pre-game rev up made dramatic reference to how women over 30 get really frisky causing any successful spermatozoa to produce a high percentage of twins. Questioned later Boof advised he was taking a holistic approach to his players this season as he wanted them not only to be better footballers but also be well equipped for life after football (or Saturday night whichever comes first). Next week’s pre game talk will include the use of match payments for negatively geared rental properties plus how regular brushing of the teeth will allow for more positive replies to tried and tested pickup lines in bars. Stay tuned.

The game was tight early until we ran in 2 converted tries to lead 14-0 at the break. One try was scored by a rampaging Sam Fortey channelling his father once again in the 7 jersey. Using his superior weight Sam took 5 players and a few spectators along for the ride over with him to plant the ball under the back dot. The other was added by Pistol Pete Mitchell finishing off a good break out wide. This too was planted under the black dot. A delighted Speedy converted both whilst Dylan could only watch from the sideline..

The second half saw Ourimbah try harder but they were going nowhere even taking taps trying to get tries which just saw them run into the brick wall that was our defence.
Mitch Graham took a great intercept to once again put the ball down under the black dot. Speedy added to his tally with another easy conversion from in front..

A kick through saw the Ourimbah full back fumble and the ball was toed again by Julio Spagbowler the Italian Spaghetti super star who seemed on track for a try before he was pulled down inside the penalty box. He immediately appealed for a penalty but the referee was focused on Speedy who kept his feet, grabbed the ball and once again planted it under the black dot. He also converted.

The try of the game was scored when we made a bust deep in our own half with the ball spread wide and a number of players involved.Julio Spagbowler got his try in the end by backing up this fine work to plant the ball under the posts. With Speedy’s conversion it was 5 tries all scored under the black dot …. Surely something for the record books.

The forwards were the foundation for this win with all of the tight five strong. Thommo had a great game ably assisted by the experienced Tim Maxwell & Oatie. The sartorial and correctly attired Conan came off the bench after a similar cameo during the second grade win. Dan the man was showing more grunt in the middle than a naked Sharapova with his hit ups and tackles causing chaos in the Ourimbah backline. Matt Anderson also was right there beside him and did good.

With a bye next week and then the Filth at home this was a good win to bolster our chances going into the final rounds


Final Score

AVOCA 35 OURIMBAH 0

Tries

One each to Julio, Sam, Speedy,Mitch and Pistol

Conversions

5 x Speedy

Best & Fairest
3 Tommo & Dan
2 Oatie/Maxie
1 All the backs

Players Player…Tommo